Bill and Ned walk into a fast food joint one afternoon to get lunch. Bill orders and the cashier gives him his meal. Ned goes up to order and the cashier greets him with "Hello Ned! How are you? Hey everybody! Ned's here!" Everybody in the restaurant comes up and says hello to Ned. After everyone ...
Wife #1: Hey, Lynn, tell me this. How did you get your husband from staying out late? Wife #2: Well, everytime he would come home I would simply say, 'Mike, is that you?' Wife #1: But I still don't understand. How did that kept him from staying out? Wife #2: My husband's name is Andrew.
A Marine and Navyman are in the bathroom together, and the Marine goes to leave without washing his hands. "Hey," says the Navyman, "in the Navy they teach us to wash our hands." "In the Marines, they teach us not to piss on our hands."
One sunny day a man decided to go jump from an airplane. When he jumped there was good and bad news.... Good news: He had a parachute. Bad News: It didnt work. Good News: There was a haystack down below. Bad news: There was a pitchfork in the haystack. Good News: He missed the pitchfork. Bad News: He missed the haystack.
There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans. Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy, Johnny. The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny ...
Two immigrants arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between the Old Country and the U.S. One of them says that he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order ...
Q: Why does Ford still manufacture cars and trucks? A: Because they are trying to keep the towing industry alive.
This is an actual job application someone submitted to McDonald's. They hired him. NAME - Greg Bulmash DESIRED POSITION - Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY - $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz ...
Albert Einstein used to go to dinners where he was invited to give a speech. One day, on his way to one of those dinners, he told his chauffeur (who looked exactly like him) that he was dead tired of giving the same speech, dinner after dinner. "Well," said the chauffeur, "I've got a good idea. Why ...
The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question ...
10) ''They told me at the blood bank this might happen.'' 9) ''This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.'' 8) ''Whew! Guess I left the top off the Wite-Out. You probably go here just in time!'' 7) ''I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the ...
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." He tries to turn off but, before he knows it, the bridge is right there and he gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his ...
There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You're beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his ...
What is the difference between a leech and a lawyer? The leech stops sucking you dry after you're dead.
A blonde carpenter was fixing up some wooden window frames on a 50-story building. He was using an electric saw and accidentally cut one of his ears off. A guy was walking along the street below him so he called out, ''Hey, you on the street, can you see my ear down there?'' The guy on the ...
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed ...
There were 11 blondes and one brunette on a rope climbing up a mountain. They had nothing to hold them to the rope. The rope began slipping and breaking. The brunette said, ''Girls, I'm going to let go of the rope, since it can't hold all of us. Your lives are more important to me. There are also ...
MEMORANDUM RE: Computer Software Warning Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena ...
Two blondes are shopping at the mall. When they are done they go out to their car, which happens to be an awesome leather interior convertible. When they get to the car, they realize they had locked the keys in the car. So they both kind of stand there and think for a while. Then one has the ...
What's the difference between a woman and dog at your front door? The dog will stop barking once you let it in!
Galaxy S20 Guide Galaxy S10 Guides Galaxy S9 and S9+ guides Galaxy S8 Guides Samsung Galaxy Note Galaxy S6 Guide Galaxy S7 Guides Moto G Guide Moto X Phone Chromecast Guides Android Guides Headphone Guide Pro Web proxy blog Latest funny pictures