1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at ...
In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the shoulders of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell are you doing?" "Well," said the guy, "I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I ...
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary ...
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved. They boys’ mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if ...
A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. "Throw ...
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed ...
An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?" Patient: "Well, let me have the bad news first." Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left." Patient: "Oh no! That’s just awful! In two ...
One day a lady was driving on the highway. She frequently checked her speed gauge to make sure she stayed within the speed limit. However, when she looked into her rear mirror, much to her dismay, she saw a police car not far behind! And, to make matters worse, the police car turned on his flashing ...
It was flooding in California. As the flood waters were rising, a man was on the stoop of his house and another man in a row boat came by. The man in the row boat told the man on the stoop to get in and he'd save him. The man on the stoop said, no, he ...
1. You can have a woman president without electing her 2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it. 3. You can call Budweiser beer 4. You can be a crook and still be a president 5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything 6. If you can breathe you can get a ...
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries ...
There was an elderly couple who went to McDonald's. They ordered one cheeseburger, one large fry, one large drink, and an extra large soda. When the old couple sat down, the man sitting next to them watched the old man cut the burger in half, taking half of the fries and giving his wife half, and ...
1) Wine her. 2) Dine her. 3) Call her. 4) Hug her. 5) Hold her. 6) Surprise her. 7) Compliment her. 8) Smile at her. 9) Laugh with her. 10) Cry with her 11) Cuddle with her. 12) Shop with her. 13) Give her jewelry. 14) Buy her flowers. 15) Hold her hand. 16) Write love letters to her. 17) Write poetry for her. 18) Go to the end of the earth ...
How can you tell when a lawyer is about to lie? His lips start moving.
A couple comes up to a wishing well. The guy leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a penny. His wife decides to make a wish, too, but she leans over too far, falls into the well, and drowns. The guy says, "Wow, it really works."
A lesson about blood flow and circulation. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face." "Yes, sir," the boys said. "Then why ...
A Kindergarten teacher was walking around the classroom observing the students while they were drawing. Stopping at the desk of one little girl who was working hard on her drawing, the teacher asked what the girl was drawing. The girl replied, "I’m drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing ...
One day there was a teenage punk-rock boy who decided to go to the local shopping mall. He had just about the craziest hair-do you could imagine. His hair was spiked into chunks all over his head, and each spike of hair was dyed a different color. Some were green, some were red, some yellow, some ...
A guy with two black eyes walks into church one Sunday. The priest notices him and is very concerned. "What happened, my child?" "I was singing in the choir, Father, and I noticed that the girl in front of me had a wedgie. So I pulled it out, and she punched me in the eye." "Okay. But how ...
There's this fellow with a parrot. And the parrot swears like a sailor. I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, polite, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too ...
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