Constipated people don't give a shit. Practice safe sex, go fuck yourself. If you drink don't park, accidents cause people. Who lit the fuse on your tampon? If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut. Please tell your pants its not polite to point. If that phone was up your ass, maybe you could drive a little better. My ...
A blonde heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to ...
Q: Where do you go when your hand falls off? A: To the second-hand store!
What does a man call true love? An erection.
Dear __________________________, I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available. ...
A man and his grandson are fishing by a peaceful lake beneath some weeping willow trees. The man takes out a cigarette and lights it. His grandson says, "Grandpa, can I try some of your cigarette?" "Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" Grandpa asks. "No," says the little boy. "Then you're not big enough." A few more minutes ...
Why do men have holes at the end of their penises? So oxygen can get to their brains.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your phone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it ...
A whorehouse gets busted. The girls are lined up out front, and a cop is going down the line giving them all tickets. A little, old lady approaches one of the girls at the end of the line and asks, "Why are all of you lovely ladies here in line like this?" The smart-assed whore explains, "Lady, ...
How do we know men invented maps? Who else would make an inch into a mile?
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the rates. “Fifty dollars for three questions, ” replied the lawyer. “Isn't that awfully steep?” asked the man. “Yes,” the lawyer replied, “and what was your third question?”
A rather inhibited engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the “craziest” thing he had ever done in his life. Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life preserver, ...
Why is it so difficult to find men who are caring, sensitive, and good looking? They already have boyfriends.
Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist?? A: Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from!
"What do you want to be when you grow up?" "A doctor?" "And why's that?" "Because it's the only profession where you can tell women to take off their clothes and then stick their husbands with the bill."
One day a little boy walked in his parents room and saw them having sex. The boy's father said that him and mom are making a little sister for him. So the next day the dad came home from work and saw the little boy crying. "What's wrong?" the father asked. The boy responded "Do you remember the ...
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. ...
Two children are in a doctor's waiting room, and one of them is crying. "Why are you crying?" asked the other child. "I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger." When he heard this, the other child started to cry. "Why are you crying?" "I'm here for a urine test."
Dermatologist: Good News my dear, after looking through your test results I'm happy to report you will no longer be plagued by pimples. Girl: Wow! That's great! Why? Dermatologist: There's no more space.
One day a medical professor and his class were standing over a corpse and the professor said, ''There are two things to being a medical forensicist. First: Don't fear anything.'' After saying that, the professor shoved his middle finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. He then told the class to do the same. After ...
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