During a busy Pre-Christmas day at Sydney airport, a crowded flight was cancelled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to ...
Next time, make sure your party reaches the correct “Festivity Level....” Festivity Level One: Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling on hors d'oeuvres. Festivity Level Two: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes to each other and sometimes ...
Alex was five; all his Christmas presents were always signed, ’from Father Christmas.’ A little while after Alex had opened all his presents on Christmas morning, we became aware that he was looking quite down in the mouth for no obvious reason. ’What’s the matter, Alex?’ I asked. ’Ummmm, ’replied Alex slowly, ’I really hoped that you and Mummy ...
10. Hey! Now there's a gift! 9. Well, well, well... 8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit. 7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement. 6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires. 5. If the dog buries it, I'll be ...
Little Johnny was planning on getting lots of presents for Christmas. He knew that god had a connection to the North Pole, and stood up and started to pray. “God, i have been a child of perfection this year. I think i should get lots of presents… no that won’t work.” He got on his knees. “God, ...
A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. Please read the following carefully. I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. ...
It was this little girl's first day of school and the teacher asked her what her name was and she replied, "Happy Butt." The teacher said, "Honey I don't think that's your name you need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out." So she went to the principal's office and he asked, "What's ...
I consider Wal-Mart to be God's gift to shoppers. Literally, here are the similitudes I have noticed between the kingdom of Heaven and the Kingdom of Everyday Low Prices. Heaven: St. Peter greets you at the gates Wal-Mart: Some old geezer named Peter greets you at the automatic doors Heaven: Eternal Wal-Mart: Open 24 hours Heaven: Where old people go ...
An insect falls into a mug of beer. English Man: Throws his mug of bear on the floor and walks out. American Man: Takes out the insect and drinks the beer. Chinese Man: Eats the insect and throws the beer. Indian Man: Sells the insect to the Chinese and the beer to the Englishman and buys himself a new ...
A retired US Marine was looking for a new job. He finally found one that appealed to his interests. At the interview, he was asked, "Do you have any military experience?" The Marine replied, "Why, yes! I've been in the Marines for a couple of years." "I see," said the interviewer, "any disabilities?" The Marine looked at him and ...
Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my PC? ANSWER: The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask: The Buddhist explanation: If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher character. ...
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" "Ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." [dramatic pause] "Hi George. Say, what's with that ...
A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial — a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment ...
The Smith’s were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards. They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose — how to handle that great-uncle George, who ...
An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet. He says, ''Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders ...
If the enemy is in range, so are you Incoming fire has the right of way Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire There is always a way That way is always mined Try to look unimportant; they might be low on ammo What gets you promoted from one rank gets you killed in the next rank Teamwork is essential; it gives them ...
What's Beethoven doing now that he's dead? He's de-composing.
There was a blonde who was hurting all over so she went to the doctor. The doctor said, ''Where are you hurting?'' She said, ''Everywhere. See?" She touched her arm and said, "OUCH!" She touched her leg and, "OUCH!" She touched her nose, "OUCH!" "See?" she cried, " I am hurting all over!'' The doctor laughed and said, ''What you've got is ...
One day, a man had an accident at work, which resulted in him getting his eye gouged out. He was rushed to hospital, and, after awaking from an emergency operation, was told by the doctor that he'd been given a glass eye. The man looked in the mirror to see the result, and was shocked to see ...
A blonde guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys. The blonde guy turns to the girl ...
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