So this guy walks into a bar and says, “Gve me two beers.” The bartender obliges him. The guy looks into his wallet and says, “Give me two more beers.” So the bartender gives him two more beers. The man went on like this until he had put down ten beers, and keeps on going in his wallet ...
Q: What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad? A: Senator.
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? Have YOU ever seen a rabbit with glasses?
There was an old man in a nursing home who always fell out of his wheelchair. Finally, the nurses decided to do something about it, so they appointed a nurse to watch him all the time. He started to lean forward so the nurse stuck a pillow in front of him. Then he started to lean backward ...
How do you confuse a blonde? Tell her to count the stairs on a escalator.
A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire. The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment ...
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For ...
"I'm going fishing." Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety." "It's a guy thing." Really means.... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical." "Can I ...
Saturday 1:00 A.M. Alarm clock rings. 2:00 A.M. Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed. 2:30 A.M. Throw everything but kitchen sink in camper. 3:00 A.M. Leave for deep woods. 3:15 A.M. Drive back home and pick up gun. 3:30 A.M. Drive like mad to get to woods before daylight. 4:00 A.M. Set up camp—forgot the sleeping tent. 4:30 A.M. Head into ...
A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode ...
Doctor: Well, I have good news and bad news. Patient: Go with the good news first. Doctor: You have 24 hours to live. Patient: What?! How about the bad news? Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday.
Q: Which is harder to make? A blonde, brunette or a red-headed snowman? A: A blonde, because you have to hollow out its head,
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and ...
What is the perfect wife? A good-looking, sex-craved, chef who owns a liquor store.
A blonde walks into an appliance store, and asks to buy a television set. "Sorry," says the owner. "We don't allow blondes in here." The blonde leaves and dyes her hair brown. The next day, she returns and asks to buy the television. "Sorry," says the owner. "We don't allow blondes in here." "Hey," says the blonde, shocked, ...
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted
A couple went to church every week, but every week without fail the husband would fall asleep during the sermon. The wife, being embarrassed by her husband's loud snoring, decided to bring a needle to the next service and poke him when he nodded off. The next week when they were in church the husband, as always, ...
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" God asks her. "Lord," she says, "I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Eve?" ...
Adam was walking around the garden of Eden, moping. So God asked him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when ...
(you need know y2k problem on old computers...) TO: Boss FROM: Blondie RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company ...
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