A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was ...
How come you can't find lawyers sunbathing on the beach? Cats keep covering them over with sand.
10) Are poisonous snakes really venomous? 9) Is lighter fluid flammable? 8) What hurts more: falling off a building, or a cliff? 7) Are knives sharp? 6) Can sharks hurt a human? 5) What happens if I stick my hand in a piranha aquarium? 4) Can I break my arm hitting it against a wall? 3) Can I eat broken glass and ...
Why does New Jersey have all the toxic waste dumps while California has all the lawyers? Because New Jersey got first pick!!
The following sign was posted at a fast food restaurant owned by two blondes: “Parking for drive-through customers only!”
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the rates. “Fifty dollars for three questions, ” replied the lawyer. “Isn't that awfully steep?” asked the man. “Yes,” the lawyer replied, “and what was your third question?”
SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. ...
1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice. 2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you. 3) Make up nicknames for all your co-workers and refer to them only ...
How many Christians does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. The Bible makes no mention of light bulbs.
10. "Just reach in and grab the giblets." 9. "Whew...that’s one terrific spread!" 8. "I am in the mood for a little dark meat!" 7. "Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist." 6. "Talk about a HUGE breast!" 5. "And he forces his way into the end zone!" 4. "She’s 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men ...
Why wasn't Jesus born in Essex, England? Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin!
10) You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom, and check your facebook on the way back to bed. 9) Your firstborn is named Dotcom. 8) You turn off your router and are suddenly filled with a feeling of emptiness, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 7) You spend half ...
It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself alone. The next day, her mother called to see how everything went. "Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey!" said the ...
How can you tell the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist? Terrorists can be negotiated with.
Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater? They went to see ''Closed for the Winter''.
A Japanese man was boasting about how his country had such advanced medical technology. He said, "We take the lungs out of a man, perform an operation, put the lungs back in, and in 4 weeks, the man is looking for work." An Englishman said, "We are far more advanced than you. We can take the ...
10. I think of you as a brother.Translation: You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in 'Deliverance.' 9. There's a slight difference in our ages. Translation: I don't want to do my dad. 8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. Translation: You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on. 7. My life is ...
A blonde with two burnt ears went to the doctor, who asked what had happened. "The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron." "What about the other one?" "They called back."
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. He was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. ...
A blonde walked into a gas station and said to the manager, ''I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?'' ''Why sure,'' said the manager, ''we have something that works especially well for that.'' A couple minutes later, the manager ...
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