Three Frenchmen were trying to define savoir-faire. "If I go home," said Alphonse, "and find my wife with another man, say ’Excuse me’ and leave, that is savoir-faire." "No," replied Pierre, "if I go home and find my wife with another man, and say `Excuse me, please continue,’ that is savoir-faire." "Au contraire," said Jacques, "if I ...
"What am I supposed to do?" a young man looking to get married asked his friend. "Every woman I bring home to meet my parents,my mother doesn’t like." "Oh, that’s easy," his pal replied. "All you have to do is find someone who’s just like your mother." "I did that already," he said, "and that one my father ...
"How was your date last night, Billy?" his friend asked. "Fabulous. We went to the concert, had a bite to eat, and then we drove around for a while until I found a nice dark spot to park. I asked her for a kiss, and she said that first I’d have to put the top down ...
At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. Immediately he began paying her court and flattering her outrageously. The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage. "Look," she said. "We only ...
TECH: Hello, Friendly Internet. May I help you? CUSTOMER: Oh, hello young man. I was wondering if you offer online banking? TECH: We’re an Internet service provider, ma’am. You can certainly use our service to connect to online banking. CUSTOMER: What do I need to do that? TECH: You just need the modem in your computer. That plugs into ...
"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday school class. "NO!" the children all answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, ...
Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, “You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?” Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, “Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?” Saint ...
One day, a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg? They ...
Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, they only screw the poor. Q: How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to change a light bulb? A: (Dole) When I was a poor boy growing up in Kansas we didn’t have light bulbs. Now I have the housekeeper ...
Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911: Blonder: We need help. We’re three blondes changing a light bulb. Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb? Blonder: Yes. Operator: And the switch is on? Blonder: Yes, yes. Operator: And the bulb still won’t light up? Blonder: No, it’s working fine. Operator: Then what’s the ...
Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church. "When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began. "You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a worldly fellow. "I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued. "The sidewalk to the ...
The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theater. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don’t get up from there, I’m going to have ...
A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and a smoking crater where his house used to be. The chief of police comes over to him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house, killed your family, and burned the house down." The violist replied, "You’re kidding! ...
One day a multi-billionaire was board, so he asked his butler to get him 3 men. A few hours later the butler comes back. The man says "OK I’ve a deal you can’t refuse. Who can swim successfully across this pool filed with sharks, eels, and leaches. The winner may have whatever his heat desires." No one ...
The 7 Dwarves are standing outside a convent. Then Happy goes and knocks on the door. A nun answers and says "Can I help you, my child?" Happy says "Are there any 3 foot nuns in this convent?" The nun is puzzled, and says "No, there are no 3 foot nuns in this convent." Happy thinks for ...
There were three horny dogs (A British bulldog, A German shephard and a Chihuaha) A poodle walked by and she says "I'll let one of you fuck me if you can use liver and cheese in the same sentence" The Bulldog says "I hate liver and cheese" She says "Nope that won't work" The German shephard says "I love ...
A chemistry teacher one day decided to teach his class about the dangers of alcohol. He thought up a neat little experiment, and showed it to his class. He had two glass tumblers, one filled with clean water, and the other with whiskey. He placed a live worm in each glass. The worm in water was perfectly ...
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take ...
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $75,000 a year, depending on the benefit’s package." The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, ...
Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, ’’How do you really feel? I mean, you’re 75 years old, how do you honestly feel?’’ ’’Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I’ve got no hair, no teeth, and I just peed myself.’’
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