Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex. Elmer says, "Yes sir, I did it three times last night with a 30 year old!" Leon replies, "You’re kidding! I can’t even manage to do it once! What’s your secret?" To which Elmer said, "Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I’m not kidding!" ...
A ret ired man went to a doctor for a general check-up. The doctor told the retiree that everything was fine and that, in fact, he was"in real good shape for a man of 93." "That’s good to know because I’m getting married in two weeks," said the retiree. "Getting married! That’s wonderful! Who’s the lucky bride?" asked ...
The Englishman’s wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren’t you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." The Englishman ...
Three guys, one Irish, one English and one Scottish are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I give you each one wish, that’s three wishes in total",says the Genie. The Irish guy says,"I am a fisherman, my Dad’s a fisherman, his Dad was a ...
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question.... * WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" o HUSBAND: "Definitely not!" * WIFE: "Why not? Don’t you like being married?" o HUSBAND: "Of course I do." * WIFE: "Then why wouldn’t you ...
Before marriage: He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait. She: Do you want me to leave? He: NO! Don’t even think about it. She: Do you love me? He: Of course! She: Have you ever cheated on me? He: NO! Why you even asking? She: Will you kiss me? He: Yes! She: Will you hit me? He: No way! I’m not such ...
A newspaper reporter was writing a feature story about prison life and was interviewing one of the prisoners. "Do you watch much television here?" "Only the daytime shows," the inmate said. "At night we’re locked in our cells and don’t see any television." "That’s too bad," the reporter said, "But I do think it is nice that ...
My husband’s cousin married a former Marine who now works for United Parcel Service. They bought their four-year-old son two stuffed bears — one in a UPS uniform and the other in Marine garb. When the boy seemed confused, his father brought out a picture of himself in full Marine dress. “See, Connor?” he explained, pointing to ...
Checking the menu, Nigel, a restaurant customer, ordered a bowl of soup. After a couple of spoonfuls, he saw a circle of wetness right under the bowl on the tablecloth. He called over to the waitress and said, ’It’s all wet down here. The bowl must be cracked.’ The waitress said, ’You ordered the vegetable soup, didn’t ...
A lady walked into a convenience store and asked the clerk for a pint of chocolate ice cream. The clerk told the lady "Miss, we are all out of chocolate ice cream." The lady says "Oh, okay. Give me a quart of chocolate ice cream." The clerk says "Miss, I just told you we are all out of ...
There was a young woman who lived with her grandmother. One night the granddaughter came bouncing down the stairs dressed to go out to a party wearing a see through blouse without a bra. Her grandmother told her to go back up stairs and "dress decent." The young woman said, "No, I want to show off ...
A very shy guy goes into a pub on Valentine’s Day night and sees a beautiful woman at the bar. After a long struggle with his shyness, he finally managed to walk over to her and asked her politely,"Um, would you mind if I give you company?" She made a furious face and yelled at the top ...
Phil, a smart and handsome young man, dressed in the latest fashion, walked into this local pub in a Valentine’s day night. He noticed a woman gazing at him without blinking her big eyes. Phil felt flattered so he walked up to the woman and said in his deepest voice, ’I’ll do anything you wish, beautiful ...
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You’re running around with other women," she told her mate. "Eve, honey, you’re being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you’re the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It ...
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day. What do you think it means?" "You’ll know tonight." he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, ...
Roger, who was 19 years old, was buying an expensive bracelet, to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day, at a very smart jeweler’s shop in Hatton Garden, London. The jeweler inquired, ’Would you like your girlfriend’s name engraved on it?’ Roger thought for a moment, grinned, then answered, ’No, instead engrave ’To my one and only love’.’ ...
A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?" Johnny answered, "I’m too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!" The teacher had had enough. ...
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. "Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-assed guy in ...
A young Chinese couple gets married. She’s a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn’t know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darling," he whispers, "I ...
A Chinese walks into a bar in America one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out here." The astonished Chinese man replied, ...
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