Wife knows everything

Posted on May 27, 2014 by JokesLab
Wife knows everything

For sale by owner: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. No longer need them -- damn wife knows everything!!

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Mr. or Mrs. Computer?

Posted on May 25, 2014 by JokesLab
Mr. or Mrs. Computer?

Is your computer male or female? As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes", or"She's listing to starboard, Captain!"). Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow: 1.  No one but the ...

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Top 10 reasons why cats are small women in fur coat

Posted on May 23, 2014 by JokesLab
Top 10 reasons why cats are small women in fur coat

1. Cats do what they want, when they want. 2. They rarely listen to you. 3. They're totally unpredictable. 4. They whine when they are not happy. 5. When you want to play they want to be left alone. 6. When you want to be alone, they want to play. 7. They expect you to cater to their every whim. 8. They're ...

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How to bath a cat

Posted on May 21, 2014 by JokesLab
How to bath a cat

I. Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If ...

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How do blonde braincells die?

Posted on May 19, 2014 by JokesLab
How do blonde braincells die?

Q: How do blonde braincells die? A: Alone.

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Move your cat

Posted on May 17, 2014 by JokesLab
Move your cat

Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in ...

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Help me get this human out of my ass

Posted on May 15, 2014 by JokesLab
Help me get this human out of my ass

A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, "May I help you, sir?" The duck says, "Yeah. Help me get this human out of my ass."

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Insurance salesman

Posted on May 13, 2014 by JokesLab
Insurance salesman

A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job. "Sorry, we don't need anyone..." they replied. "You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anything anytime!" "Well, we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, then you have a job." He was gone ...

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Relationship guide

Posted on May 11, 2014 by JokesLab
Relationship guide

For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...Sorry, that's the way ...

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Mother in law

Posted on May 9, 2014 by JokesLab
Mother in law

A man's house is on fire. He runs out of the house with his son and tells him to wait outside. Then he runs back in and gets is daughter and brings her outside. Then his wife. Then the dog. Then he goes back in a couple of times without bringing out anybody. So a fireman asks him, "Why ...

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Bad education

Posted on May 7, 2014 by JokesLab
Bad education

Its Christmas at a normal family’s home…. 4 year old sister, mom, dad, 16 year old sister and 14 year old brother. Mom in the kitchen stuffing the turkey. All of a sudden turkey falls off counter and mom goes “FUCK!” Then little girl says “Mommy what does ’fuck’ mean?” Frantic mom says “ummm its just what I’m doing ...

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Cannot go up the chimney

Posted on May 5, 2014 by JokesLab
Cannot go up the chimney

Santa is putting presents by the tree when he hears a woman's voice say "Santa will you please come sit with me?" Santa turns and sees a beautiful woman sitting on her couch in a very sexy gown. Santa says “ho ho ho gotta go, kids are waiting on their toys you know.” So, Santa goes about his ...

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Airline food

Posted on May 3, 2014 by JokesLab
Airline food

It was mealtime on a small airline and the stewardess asked the passenger if he would like dinner. "What are my choices?" he asked. She replied, "Yes or No."

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The fruits of love

Posted on May 1, 2014 by JokesLab
The fruits of love

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and they had not been seen for 5 days. An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if ...

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In that big red truck!

Posted on April 29, 2014 by JokesLab
in that big red truck!

There was a blonde whose house was on fire. She calls the fire department screaming, ''Help me, help me. My house is on fire. Please!'' The fire department operator says, ''Okay, okay. Calm down and we'll be there soon. How do we get to your house?'' The blonde answers, ''Duh, in that big red truck!"

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1000 Valentine cards

Posted on April 29, 2014 by JokesLab
1000 Valentine cards

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to ...

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A cheap dinner

Posted on April 27, 2014 by JokesLab
A cheap dinner

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barman charges him 15 cents. Confused, but not complaining, the man pays. After a while he decides to have another, and some food, so he orders another beer and a steak. The barman charges him 50 cents, 15 for the beer and 35 for the ...

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Hearing problem

Posted on April 25, 2014 by JokesLab
Hearing problem

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, ''Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.'' ''Well,'' the doctor replied, ''go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to ...

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Spelling

Posted on April 23, 2014 by JokesLab
Spelling

A man came in to heaven and God wanted to go on a vacation so he asked the man to take over while he was away. God told the man to give everyone a test before letting them into heaven. God leaves and a man comes floating up and says, ''Please let me in to heaven.'' The ...

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Solitary confinement: anybody got a match?

Posted on April 21, 2014 by JokesLab
Solitary confinement: anybody got a match?

Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred ...

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