All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told his best friend - "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key ...
A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny little guy showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to scram. "Just give me ...
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home." "Why?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at ...
An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny. The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper. Then ...
Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British engineers heard about the gun and were ...
One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Bill went up to the man ...
A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI. "Well," says the personnel director, "You'll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute." Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute. "Also," says the director, "You must pass a physical and ...
I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, ...
A man, his wife and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for £5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for £150." The man thought about it and told him he would just ...
A panda bear walks into a bar, and tells the bartender that he wants to have lunch. The bartender gives him a menu and he orders. The panda bear eats his lunch, and when he finishes, he gets up to leave. Suddenly, the panda bear pulls an AK-47 out of his fur, and shoots the bar ...
A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb. About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end. He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch. On landing at the bottom in a pile ...
This guy was walking along the beach in Malibu when he came across this salt-encrusted piece of metal. He worked for an hour or so to remove the salt. Lo and behold it was a very old oil lamp. The guy started to buff it to remove the verdigris when "poof" a genie appeared. This genie, ...
One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating as they were to me. The call was from AT&T ...
Q: Why did the blonde keep a picture of herself in her room? A: So she could use it as a mirror.
Q: Why do rednecks' dogs have flat noses? A: From chasing parked cars...
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother. "Oh mamma!" she exclaimed. "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!" No sooner had she spoken the words than she burst out crying. "But mamma . . . as soon as we ...
Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions. One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!" There on the sports page, was a ...
10) Cats' facial expressions. 9) The need for the same style of shoes in different colors. 8) Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds. 7) “Fat” clothes. 6) Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time. 5) The difference between beige, off-white and eggshell. 4) Cutting your bangs to make them grow. 3) Eyelash curlers. 2) The inaccuracy of every bathroom ...
Dick Cheney, President Bush and his father are flying on Air Force One. Dick looks at Dubya, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy." Dubya shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make ...
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. " You aren’t so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid-morning, he decided he’d better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. "What took you so long to answer?" " I was in bed." "What ...
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