An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes. ''Well, now,'' says the old lady, ''I guess I would like to be really rich.'' *** POOF *** Her rocking chair ...
Dear Son, I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you first left. Your Dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address as the last family here took the ...
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, ''Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane.'' And every year Martha would say, ''I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.'' One year Stumpy and Martha went to the ...
Why do blondes wear green lipstick? Because red means stop!
There was a guy walking down the street in San Fransisco, and he tripped over an old looking oil lamp. He picked it up and hid it under his jacket, because he thought it was priceless. While he was running to the antique shop to cash this puppy in, it rubbed against his shirt. *POOF* ...
Sam and a beautiful woman walk into a very posh Beverly Hills furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man, "Ah, sir, that ...
Why couldn't the blonde add 10 and 7 on a calculator? She couldn't find the 10 key.
A blonde walks into a restaurant to get some lunch, and while she's deciding on what she wants a waitress comes up. The blonde looks up and notices the waitress's name tag on her shirt. ''Gee, that's nice. What did you name the other one?''
A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says 'brains for sale.' He goes over to investigate and sees a sign that says 'Doctor brains $8.00 a pound’ and another sign that says ‘Paramedic brains $12.00 a pound, Nurses brains $30.00 a pound, truck driver $40.00 a pound and lawyers brains $90.00 a pound.’ So he asks the ...
What do you call a women who knows where her husband is each night? A widow
"God," said Adam, "Why did you make Eve so beautiful?" "So you would love her." "But why did you make her so dumb?" "So she would love you."
1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want. 2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. 3. A successful man is one who makes ...
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of international capitals. She proudly said, "Go ahead and quiz me. I know all of them!" Her friend said, "O.K. then, what's the capital of France?" The blonde replied, "Oh, that's so easy! F."
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough ...
A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Heidberg, and sat down to explain his problem. "Doctor, doctor! I've got this problem," the man said. "I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!" "A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Relax. Come here and lie ...
A man wanted to buy his wife a unique birthday present. So one day, he went into a pet store looking for a parrot. The salesperson showed the man to a very beautiful parrot. ''It's beautiful!'' cried the man, ''Does he do any tricks?'' ''Yes he does,'' answered the salesman. ''If you put a lighted match under ...
How do you compliment a donkey? ''Hey, nice ass!''
In a fancy Paris restaurant, there is a magical wish-granting mirror. But it only grants wishes if you tell the truth -- if you lie, you disappear. One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead enter the restaurant and decide to try out the mirror. The brunette goes first. "I think I'm the smartest woman on ...
A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head. Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked. The other customers were very confused and some very upset at the ...
A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctor’s office. He inquisitively asked the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?" She replied, "I’m having a baby." With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?" She answered, "He sure is." Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is ...
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