Category Archives: Family Jokes

Howard be thy name

look-at-my-chest-when-I-am-talking-to-you

A blonde dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates, where she is greeted by St. Peter. “Welcome!” he says. “Because we are currently operating at 99% capacity, we can only let a limited number of souls into heaven. Therefore, you … Continue reading

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Naked pole vaulting

camera-woman-in-summer

A group of guys were chatting with a good-looking girl and, somewhat improbably, asked her to climb this pole that was conveniently nearby. For whatever reason, she decided to do it. When she told her mother what happened, her mother … Continue reading

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I am married to your sister

funny-wedding-costume-mask

There is a man who goes out drinking all the time and comes home very later every night. So one night his wife decides to teach him a lesson.  She dresses up like Satan and decides to hide in the … Continue reading

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Surprise dinner

funny-girl-i-love-to-fart

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always gave her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction. When it became apparent that she … Continue reading

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She made me a better offer

unhappy-bride

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer: “Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and … Continue reading

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Golden urinal

drunken-sleeping-girl-Russian-girl-and-vodka

A man comes home late one night, drunk. “Where have you been?” asks his wife. “In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and a golden urinal!” This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls … Continue reading

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Heavenly Reward

bikini-girl-on-beach

Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there. St. Peter said, “I know that you guys are forgiven because you’re here. But before I let you into heaven, I have to ask … Continue reading

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Mathematics

shit-slogan-my-boyfriends-wife-hate-these-boobs

He’s teaching her arithmetic, he said it was his mission. He kissed her once, he kissed her twice and said, ”Now that’s addition.” And as he added smack by smack, in silent sanctification, she sweetly gave the kisses back and … Continue reading

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Mushrooms and marriage

boy-raider

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time. “How wonderful! But I hope you don’t mind me asking what happened to your first husband?” “He ate poisonous mushrooms and died.” “Oh, how tragic! … Continue reading

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A math question

sexiest-teacher-guys-dream

Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Patty: Seven! Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, … Continue reading

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Get your oil changed

funny-old-gentleman-and-boobs

There was a 80 year-old man that married a 21 year-old woman. A year later the woman had a baby and the doctor came out and told the old man that he was the father of a 9lb 8oz baby … Continue reading

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Gassy granny

photo-bomb-mating-animals

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least … Continue reading

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Things I’ve learned from my children

first-ticket-for-speeding

1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 2. A 3-year-old is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 3. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 4. … Continue reading

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You left your wheelchair at the bar again

drunken-girl-shitting

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face. “Maybe all I need is some fresh air,” thought the man as he crawled outside. He tried … Continue reading

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All-purpose excuse form letter

no-parking-volcano

All-Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out of the trouble you’ve gotten in. Whenever there’s a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and use it. You’ll be surprised how effective this form can be! … Continue reading

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Toilet brush

funny-woman-without-head

Josi frequently attends his church Bingo club, where every week a gag door prize is given out. One week, Josi is presented with a toilet brush. ”What the hell is this?” he asks the pastor. ”Why, it’s a toilet brush.” … Continue reading

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Family history

look-like-girl-and-dog

One day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin. “How did I get here, Mommy?” she asks. Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, “Why God sent you, Honey.” “And did God send you too, Mommy?” she continues. … Continue reading

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Interstate 22

Funny-expressway-parking-only-seen-in-USA

There is an old lady driving on Interstate 22. A police car pulls her over and explains to the lady she is going 22 mph. She said ”I know, isn’t that the speed limit? ” The officer said, ”No, this … Continue reading

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Wrong number?

dude-you-will-get-three-mother-in-laws

The housewife answered the phone and listened with relief to the voice in her ear. “How are you, dear? What kind of day are you having?” “Oh, mom, the baby won’t eat, the washing machine is broke, I’ve not been … Continue reading

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Buy me out

boy-and-sexy-model

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. “I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,” said the man.”To show you how much we care for you, I’m making you a 50-50 partner … Continue reading

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