A travelling salesman was out in the country one evening and wasn't sure how to get back to the main highway. He came upon a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. "Sure," said the farmer. "I've got some beans and cornbread on the stove, but I've only got one bed, so ...
A man and a woman were involved in a terrible car accident and both cars were totaled. They climbed from the wreckage and the woman stood in awe. ''Our cars are demolished, yet we walk unharmed. This must be a sign from God that we are to be best friends for the rest of our lives,'' ...
70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?" George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I ...
Why did the mirror have 6 holes in it? A blonde tried to shoot herself!
1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" 2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan. 3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants." 4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse. 5. You want to ...
10. Can I pull my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that cop car will stay lost. 9. There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara's will be okay too. 8. Nice place you got here. That painting looks expensive. I bet a ...
10. Lately, she sits at the computer naked. 9. After signing off, he always has a cigarette. 8. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive. 7. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up. 6. He's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand. 5. Every day, Bill Gates sends 10 million dollars worth of flowers. 4. The jam in ...
A wounded American soldier in a battlefield hospital in Iraq tells the nurse: "I wish I could kiss the American flag if I am going to die!" Nurse, extremely touched by the soldier's patriotism: "Actually, I have the American flag tattooed on my bottom. You may kiss my ass, if you don't mind it." Soldier: "Of course ...
1. "Now.. show me how you used to spank her." 2. "Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?" 3. "I just got my license today." 4. "Five bucks says she's a D-cup." 5. "You taught her to swallow, didn't you?" 6. "So, does your wife just lay there during sex too?" 7. "Hi. ...
1. Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you? A: Tell her she's pregnant. 2. Q: How does a blonde kill a fish? A: She drowns it. 3. Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday. 4. Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas? A: They can't find ...
Two blondes came into a bar, sat down, and ordered drinks. They were making merry in a serious way and it was obvious to the bartender that they were celebrating something big. His curiosity finally got the better of him and he said " I hate to be nosy, but it's obvious that you two are ...
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. Eventually little Johnny’s turn came. Little Johnny walked up to the front of ...
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don’t know what day this is." "Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red ...
1. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. 2. Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. 3. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A ...
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with. The ...
My 16-year-old brother, Ryan, was out late with friends one night. Suddenly he realized it was Father’s Day and he had neglected to buy a card for our dad. After much searching, Ryan located an open store, but was disappointed to find only two cards left on a picked-over rack. Selecting one, he brought it home ...
1. The cucumber has left the salad. 2. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out. 3. Your soldier ain't so unknown now. 4. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells. 5. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building! 6. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod. 7. You've ...
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices ...
What goes in hard and comes out sticky and wet? Bubble gum, you sicko!
One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa." The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that ...
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