On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said "I bet I know what it is — it's some flowers!" "That's right!" shouted the little boy. Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. ...
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look ...
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says ''Look at that dog with one eye!'' The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says ''Where?''
Once there was a blonde driving home from work when she saw a sheep farm.She stops and asks the farmer if she can have a sheep. The farmer says "If you can count all my sheep I'll let you have any one you want." The blonde looks around her for a moment and says, "You have 356 ...
A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head. "I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it," she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation." "Calm down, honey," the man replied. ...
An old Texan cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss ...
One night a robber broke into a home and heard a voice say, ''Jesus is watching you!''while he rummaged through the desk. He replied, ''Who said that?!'' Once again he heard the same thing, ''Jesus is watching you!'' The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name was. The parrot ...
Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand? A: Not enough sand.
This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs. He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle." "OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?" "A fottle, replies the inventor." "A fottle? That's stupid! Can't you think of something else?" "I can think about it. I've ...
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead team were sent out to install telephone poles for the Telephone Company. After the first day, the brunette team had installed 30 poles, the redhead team had installed 37 poles, and the blonde team had installed 7. The contractor was outraged with the blonde team and demanded to know why ...
It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake ...
A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand. The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape. The bartender looks at the guy and asks: "What's wrong with your turtle?" "Not a thing," the man responds, this beat ...
A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy. St. Peter goes through the Book several times and furrows his brow. "You know, I can't see that you ever did anything really bad in your ...
A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" He continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person, he can't help but wonder why they are chanting "Thirteen!" over and over. Could it be that they are ...
Q: What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day? A: I'm bacon!
Three men were flying on a plane over the jungle when it crashed. They were the only people who survived. They decided that starting the next morning one of them would go out and make weapons and see if he could kill anything. So the next morning the first man went out. He didn't come back ...
Once upon a time there were two men who had gone cliff climbing. Suddenly, one man lost his footing and went tumbling down to the bottom. The other man frantically screamed, "Roger!", and was relieved to hear a faint reply. "Okay Rodge," shouted Barry, "I'm gonna throw a rope down to you, so wrap it 'round ...
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a fight, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most... "When I die I will dig my way up and out of ...
Once upon a time when a Blonde was hard up for money, she decided to kidnap a child. So the next day she goes to a nearby playground and when nobody is looking, she pulls a random kid behind a tree and says, "You're kidnapped, so be quiet and don't give me any trouble." The little boy, ...
One day a guy walked into a pet store to buy a parrot. He found one that he liked and went up to the counter to buy it. The store clerk saw which parrot he had picked out and said, ''That parrot repeats everything he hears.'' ''That's alright,'' the man replied. So the man bought the parrot ...
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