There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant. "It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out." "That's ...
Three men, an Scot, an English man and a sumo wrestler were going to commit suicide by jumping of the top of a building. The Scot jumped off and shouted ''God save Scotland!'' The English man jumped off and shouted ''God Save England!'' The Sumo wrestler jumped off and shouted ''God save the person who I land on!''
Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where h'd first had sex. "It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for ...
A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn’t do." The mother exclaimed, "But that’s terrible! I’m going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn’t do?" The little girl replied, ...
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors:green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared. Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What’s ...
Little Johnny's teacher said, "Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister's." Did you copy hers?, she asked. Johnny replied, "No, teacher, it's the same dog!"
As he is quietly watching television at home, a man hears a sound on the roof of his house and rushes out to investigate. Seeing it is a fair-sized gorilla tearing the shingles off his home, he promptly calls up the local zoo authorities to inform them one of their animals had escaped. He is reassured ...
* I'll get a world record for this. * Let me reach in and get your watch out of the printing press. * Let's ask that group of basketball players for directions. * Here's my Kent State student ID. * It's fireproof. * He's probably just hibernating. * What does this button do? * I'm making a citizen's arrest. * So, you're a ...
An old man was in bed with his wife when suddenly he let out a loud fart. He yelled, "7 points!" His wife looked at him and said, "What the hell are you doing?" He simply replied, "Just playing bed football." Ten minutes later the wife let a loud one and said, "Tie game - 7,7." The husband's competitive ...
Little Johnny's teacher asks, "What is the chemical formula for water?" Little Johnny replies, "HIJKLMNO"!! The teacher, puzzled, asks, "What on Earth are you talking about?" Little Johnny replies, "Yesterday you said it was H to O!"
Those three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are. The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow". The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He ...
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog’s license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have ...
A little girl and her mother were out and about. Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?" The mother responded, "Honey, women don’t talk about their age. You’ll learn this as you get older." The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?" Her mother responded again, "That’s another thing women ...
Q: How can you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose? A: Her ankles swell up when she farts.
10. Cats' facial expressions 9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors 8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds 7. Fat clothes 6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time 5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell 4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow 3. Eyelash curlers 2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom ...
There was a man who would come home blind drunk every night and vomit in the bathroom sink, and every night the man's wife would warn him that someday he would puke up his guts. One day the wife cut up a chicken and left the guts in the sink, just to give him a scare. At ...
A woman wearing a tank-top sits down at a bar and raises her hand to gain the bartender’s attention, exposing a tuft of underarm hair that had not seen a razor in months. The bartender, noticing the sickened look on his customer’s faces yet not wishing to insult the woman, tells her, "Ma’am, my name is ...
One day a man was planting flowers outside his new house when he found a bottle with a cork in it. He took out the cork and with a poof, a genie came out. ''I will grant you three wishes but whatever you wish for your ex-wife gets double,'' said the genie. ''Okay. for my first ...
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife" What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?" "Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of ...
One night a father sent his kid to bed. Five minutes later the boy screamed, ''Dad! Can you get me a glass of water!?!'' ''No. You had your chance.'' A minute later the boy screamed ''Dad!! Can you get me a glass of water?'' ''No. You had your chance. Next time you ask I'll come up there and ...
Galaxy S20 Guide Galaxy S10 Guides Galaxy S9 and S9+ guides Galaxy S8 Guides Samsung Galaxy Note Galaxy S6 Guide Galaxy S7 Guides Moto G Guide Moto X Phone Chromecast Guides Android Guides Headphone Guide Pro Latest funny pictures