Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see,"answers an engineer. They all board the ...
Two 6 year old boys were attending religious school and giving the teachers problems. The teachers had tried everything to make them behave - time outs, notes home, missed recesses - but could do nothing with them. Finally the boys were sent to see the priest. The first boy went in and sat in a chair ...
A man was mowing his lawn when he heard his neighbor, who happened to be a blonde, come out of her house. She opened her mailbox, looked inside and slammed it shut. She stomped her foot and went back inside. The man thought ''how weird.'' A few minutes passed and sure enough, the blonde came out ...
blonde walks into the library and says to the librarian, ''Can I have a burger and fries?'' ''Sorry, this is a library.'' So the blonde whispers, ''Oh, may I have a burger and fries?''
Which branch of the military do babies join? The infantry!
What did the elephant say to the naked man? ''It's nice, but can it pick up peanuts?''
All-Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out of the trouble you've gotten in. Whenever there's a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and use it. You'll be surprised how effective this form can be! Dear: a) Mom, b) Dad, c) Love of my life, d) Assistant Principal, e) Local Police Chief, Words cannot begin to express ...
Josi frequently attends his church Bingo club, where every week a gag door prize is given out. One week, Josi is presented with a toilet brush. ''What the hell is this?'' he asks the pastor. ''Why, it's a toilet brush.'' ''Ooh, I see,'' says Josi. A couple weeks later, the pastor jokingly asks Josi how the brush is ...
Once upon a time NASA decided to send 3 astronauts to space for 2 years. One was American, One was Russian and the other was English. NASA allowed each of them to take 200 pounds of baggage each. The American decided to take along his wife, the Englishman decided to take along books to learn how ...
10. Nuts...my shaft is bent. 9. After 18 holes I can barely walk. 8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker. 7. Look at the size of his putter. 6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more. 5. Mind if I join your threesome? 4. Stand with your back turned and drop it. 3. My hands ...
One day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin. "How did I get here, Mommy?" she asks. Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, "Why God sent you, Honey." "And did God send you too, Mommy?" she continues. "Yes, Sweetheart, he did." "And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads, too?" "Yes, Honey, all ...
There is an old lady driving on Interstate 22. A police car pulls her over and explains to the lady she is going 22 mph. She said ''I know, isn't that the speed limit? " The officer said, ''No, this is interstate 22''. The police officer looks in the back seat and there are three children looking quite ...
The housewife answered the phone and listened with relief to the voice in her ear. "How are you, dear? What kind of day are you having?" "Oh, mom, the baby won’t eat, the washing machine is broke, I’ve not been able to get out of the house to shop, I twisted my ankle and have been ...
One day a government worker was digging through his office drawers when suddenly he came upon a magic lamp. (Oh, c'mon, I'm sure there's one buried in your desk too.) Since he'd heard these jokes before, he knew that he had to rub the lamp and make the genie come out. So he rubbed the lamp ...
The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect. The next day, he brought a small sign that read: "I’m the Boss!" He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that ...
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man."To show you how much we care for you, I’m making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and ...
Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end. Finally she couldn’t take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!". "Really?" he said. ...
A policeman pulled over a car, walked up to the driver’s window, and asked the man if he knew why he was pulled over. "No," the man replied. "You failed to stop at the stop sign," the cop explained. "But I did slow down!" the guy argued. The cop shook his head. "You are required to stop. That’s ...
Somebody recent vandalized the local nudist camp. They put a hole in the wall, and the police are currently looking into it.
Boy: Will you punish me for something i didn't do? Teacher: Of course not! Boy: Good cause I didn't do my homework!
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