JokesLab Funniest Jokes

Santa, tooth fairy, drunk, and lawyer

Posted on March 4, 2012 by JokesLab

Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? A: The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

Posted in Lawyer Jokes, Short Q & A | Tagged drink, fairy, lawyer, money, Santa | Leave a comment

Lawyer buddy

Posted on March 3, 2012 by JokesLab

Two lawyers, Jon and Amanpreet, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Jon offers Amanpreet a $50 bet. Amanpreet agrees and they're off. They shoot a great game. After the 8th hole, Amanpreet is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. ''Help me find my ball. Look ...

Posted in Lawyer Jokes, Sports Jokes | Tagged bet, cheat, golf, lawyer, lie | Leave a comment

Hijacking lawyers

Posted on March 2, 2012 by JokesLab

Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

Posted in Lawyer Jokes, Short Q & A | Tagged Boeing 747, demand, hijack, lawyer, terrorist | Leave a comment

A clever lawyer

Posted on March 2, 2012 by JokesLab

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using ...

Posted in Lawyer Jokes, People Jokes | Tagged arm, court, judge, lawyer, prison, thief | Leave a comment

The Lord will provide

Posted on March 1, 2012 by JokesLab

Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising. Two men passing by on a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them. "No, thank you," Mrs. Watkins ...

Posted in Church and God Jokes, Office Jokes, People Jokes | Tagged boat, flood, God, river, roof, woman | Leave a comment

Surprise

Posted on February 29, 2012 by JokesLab

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go ...

Posted in Birthday Jokes, Family Jokes, People Jokes, Texas Jokes | Tagged bean, birthday, dinner, fart, guest, husband, surprise, telephone, wife | 1 Comment

Last name

Posted on February 28, 2012 by JokesLab

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?" "Ten," she replied. "What are their names?" he asked. "David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David," she answered. "They're all named David?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from ...

Posted in Family Jokes, Kids Jokes, Relationship, Marriage, and Sex Jokes | Tagged child, father, marriage, mother, name, welfare | Leave a comment

Old tech support junks

Posted on February 27, 2012 by JokesLab

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is. 2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the ...

Posted in Computer Jokes, Office Jokes, People Jokes, Top 10 List | Tagged CD-ROM, Compaq, computer, Dell, floppy disk, IBM, keyboard, mouse, printer, tech support | Leave a comment

Reflections

Posted on February 26, 2012 by JokesLab

1. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain. 2. I'm in shape. Round is a shape. 3. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window? 4. Ever notice that anyone driving slower ...

Posted in Campus Jokes, Family Jokes, People Jokes, Police Jokes, Top 10 List | Tagged dog, door, husband, lock, philosophy, reflection, shape, top 10 list, wife, window | Leave a comment

Cheese mine

Posted on February 25, 2012 by JokesLab

The taco Bell chihuahua dog, a doberman, and a bulldog all walk into a bar. A female collie then walks in.The collie says, ''Whoever can say liver and cheese the most creativly, can have me." So the bulldog goes ''I love liver and cheese''. The collie says ''Not good enough'' The doberman says ''I hate liver and cheese''.The ...

Posted in Animal Jokes, Bar Jokes, Relationship, Marriage, and Sex Jokes | Tagged bar, bulldog, chihuahua, collie, doberman, dog, sex | Leave a comment

The creation of man

Posted on February 24, 2012 by JokesLab

God created the mule, and told him, " You will be a mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years." The mule answered, " To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me ...

Posted in Animal Jokes, Church and God Jokes, Family Jokes, People Jokes | Tagged dog, God, life, man, monkey, mule | Leave a comment

New York reporter

Posted on February 19, 2012 by JokesLab

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off of a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Giants ...

Posted in Miscellaneous Jokes, New York Jokes, People Jokes, Sports Jokes | Tagged cowboy, dog, fan, football, New York, reported, rottweiler | Leave a comment

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Posted on February 18, 2012 by JokesLab

Why did the chicken cross the road? KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side. PLATO: For the greater good of man. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads. KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability. TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take. SADDAM HUSSEIN: ...

Posted in Animal Jokes, People Jokes, Politician Jokes, Science Jokes | Tagged Albert Einstein, Aristotle, Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, Charless Darwin, chicken, Martin Luther king, Plato, road, sex | Leave a comment

Scotsman at a baseball game

Posted on February 16, 2012 by JokesLab

A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball game in the US and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring "Run....Run!" The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bastard, r-run will ya!" A third batter hits a slam and ...

Posted in American Jokes, British Jokes, Sports Jokes | Tagged ball, baseball, Scotsman, sports, tourist | Leave a comment

Designated decoy

Posted on February 14, 2012 by JokesLab

A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular bar, waiting for a bust. At closing time, everyone came out and he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car and, after trying his keys on five other vehicles, ...

Posted in Bar Jokes, Car Jokes, Police Jokes | Tagged car, decoy, drink, driving, police | Leave a comment

Bill Gates and General Motors

Posted on February 13, 2012 by JokesLab

Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors. "If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could ...

Posted in Car Jokes, Computer Jokes, People Jokes | Tagged Bill Gates, car, computer, engine, gas, General Motors, Microsoft | Leave a comment

Gorilla Chase!

Posted on February 12, 2012 by JokesLab

There was a man that owned a giant gorilla and, all its life, he'd never left it on its own. But eventually he had to go on a business trip and had to leave his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbor. So he explained to his neighbor that all he had to do ...

Posted in Animal Jokes, Family Jokes, People Jokes | Tagged banana, car, drive, fur, gorrila, neighbour, tag, tree | Leave a comment

Grizzly bear warning

Posted on February 11, 2012 by JokesLab

The Alaska Department of Fish and Game recently issued this bulletin... "Warning: In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly OKbear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field. We advise outdoorsmen to wear noisy little bells on ...

Posted in Alaska Jokes, Animal Jokes, Office Jokes | Tagged Alaska, bear, hunter, pepper, sign, warning | Leave a comment

Blonde painting- two coats

Posted on February 10, 2012 by JokesLab

A blonde decides to show her husband that despite what everyone says, blondes really are smart. While her husband is at work, she decides that she is going to paint the living room in their house. So the next day as soon as he leaves, she gets down to the task at hand. ...

Posted in Blonde Jokes, Family Jokes, People Jokes | Tagged blonde, coat, husband, living room, paint, wife | Leave a comment

Meals on wheels

Posted on February 9, 2012 by JokesLab

Once upon a time, there was a cat who died. When she got to heaven, God asked her how she liked being on earth. She told the Lord that it was awful -- she had to sleep in cold back alleys, where there was no food and life was hard. God told ...

Posted in Animal Jokes, Church and God Jokes, Kids Jokes | Tagged cat, food, heaven, mouse, pillow, skate, sleep | Leave a comment

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