Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, ''Ready! Aim!'' Suddenly the brunette yells, ''EARTHQUAKE!!!'' Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while ...
A blonde owned a small business that she was about to lose, so she went to the church and prayed: “God, if I don't win the lotto, I will lose my business.” She didn't win. So the next day she was about to lose her business and her car. She went to the church to pray: ...
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can ...
Three men were walking down a street and found a bottle laying on the side of the road. They picked it up and a genie popped out. The genie said, ''You will each get one wish.'' The first man wished he was 20 times smarter. The genie made him 20 times smarter. The second man wished he was ...
One day, while Sue was cleaning under the bed, she found a small box. Curious, she opened it and found 3 eggs and 10,000 dollars. A little bit suspicious, she confronted her husband of twenty years about it. "Oh, that," Frank said. "Every time I cheated on you, I put an egg in this box." Sue was ...
A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the loss of both ears, which made him very self-conscious. However, he received a large sum of money from his insurance company. It was always his dream to own his ownbusiness, so he went out and purchased a ...
1) Everyone around you has an attitude problem. 2) You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet. 3) The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans. 4) Your man is suddenly agreeing to everything you say. 5) You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, "How's my driving- call 1-800-***-****." 6) Everyone's head ...
Dr. Schambaugh, of the University of Oklahoma School of Chemical Engineering, Final Exam for May of 1997 consisted of only one question. His one and only final exam question in May 1997 for his Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II class was: ''Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof.'' Most of the students wrote ...
You wake up face down on the pavement. You put your bra on backwards and it fits better. You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold. You see a ''60 minutes'' news team waiting in your office. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. You want to put on the clothes you wore home from ...
Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake. "How do I get to the other side?" "Duh! You ARE on the other side!"
A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Branch Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along ...
A blonde is working at the local Starbucks. A lady walks in and orders an Iced Cappuccino. ''Do you want it hot or cold?''
A patient needed a brain transplant and the doctor told the family, ''Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves.'' ''Well, how much does a brain cost?'' asked the relatives. ''For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000,'' replied the doctor. Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, ...
Q: Why do men sit with their legs wide open? A: So their brains can breathe.
''I just got a new set of golf clubs for my wife!'' ''Great trade!''
Why can't a blonde dial 911? She can't find the eleven.
When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St. Peter wouldn't let him in until he proved his identity. Einstein scribbled out a couple of his equations, and was admitted into paradise. And when Picasso died, St. Peter asked, "How do I know you're Picasso?" Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces. St. Peter was ...
1. Your salary is less than your tuition. 2. Your potted plants stay alive. 3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd. 4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 5. You have to pay your own credit card bill. 6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal. 7. You haven't seen a soap opera in ...
A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that, because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition. ''What are you going to do with the prize money?'' the officer asked. The man responded, ''I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license.'' At that moment, his ...
The manager of a megastore came to check on his new salesman. “How many customers did you serve today?” the manager asked. “One,” replied the new guy. “Only one?” said the boss, “how much was the sale?” The salesman answered, “$58,334.” Flabbergasted, the manager asked him to explain. “First I sold a man a fishhook,” the salesman said. ”Then I ...
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