One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. ''Why are you eating grass?'' he asked one man. ''We don't have any money for food,'' The poor man replied. ''Oh, come along ...
Why was the lawyer skimming the Bible right before he died? He was looking for loopholes!
On a plane, a man and his wife are offered tea and both accept. The man tries to be sweet to his wife, saying “Pass the sugar, sugar.... Pass the honey, honey.” Then he says, “Pass the tea, you old bag.”
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side of the Lexus. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman ...
Q: What is the definition "lucky break?" A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff. Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"? A: There was an empty seat.
One day at the rest home, an old man and woman are talking. Out of nowhere the woman says, "I can guess your age." The man doesn't believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try. "Pull down your pants," she says. He doesn't understand but does it anyway. She inspects his rear end for a few ...
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is Sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her ...
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing. 2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me ...
What is the difference between out-laws, and in-laws? Out-laws are wanted.
Why are men like diapers? They are always on my ass and full of shit - thank goodness they're disposable!
How do you know when a man's going to say something intelligent? He starts his sentence with ''A woman told me...''
A small farm boy was milking his cow when all of a sudden a bull came charging towards him. As horrified workers nearby watched, the boy calmly continued his milking. To everyone’s astonishment, the bull stopped a few inches from the boy, turned around and walked away . "Weren’t you afraid?"one of the workers asked the boy. "Not at ...
A teacher, a thief and a lawyer all die in the same freak accident. So when they reach the pearly gates, St. Peter tells them that, unfortunately, heaven is overcrowded, so they each have to answer a question correctly for admission. The teacher is first, and St. Peter asks, “Name the famous ship that was sunk by ...
10. How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back? 9. Yeah, I used to cut class a lot too. 8. Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week. 7. Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day. 6. That outfit isn't ...
A young unmarried girl discovers that she is pregnant. Scared, she confides this ’news’ to her mother. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A ...
A ten year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school. After the first day, the boy’s parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, ...
A blonde was driving across several states to go visit her family. She was five hours late and her family was getting worried. When she finally got there she explained that she had seen 10 signs that said “CLEAN RESTROOMS AHEAD...”
There were two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school and were both virgins and enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and ...
Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on. The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order". The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order". The third surgeon said, "I like operating on ...
Ever since the Bush daughters got into trouble with the law for underage drinking, the President has lectured them constantly about the evils of alcohol. His daughters were tired of having the same conversation week after week, so they finally said, "Okay daddy, we understand about drinking already, but you've never talked about to us about ...
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