A penguin walks into a bar and asks for a sandwich and a pint! The bartender is astounded by this talking flightless bird and asks about his life. The penguin goes on to explain that he is working at the building site across the road. Weeks go by and the penguin becomes a regular lunchtime ...
If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
Hello, welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. "If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. "If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2." "If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6." "If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace ...
Why did the fly fall off the toilet? It got pissed off.
A woman was visiting an Indian reservation one day when an Indian came up to her. He had a feather in his hair. "How did you get that feather?" the woman asked. "I screw one squaw," the Indian said. Then, another Indian came up to her. He had two feathers in his hair. "How did you get those ...
Three women started boasting about their sons. "What a birthday I had last year!" exclaimed the first. "My son, that wonderful boy, threw me a big party in a fancy restaurant. He even paid for plane tickets for my friends." "That’s very nice, but listen to this," said the second. "Last winter, my son gave me ...
OK, let's consider the physical evidence. The moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the Earth every year. Do the math and you will clearly see that 85 million years ago it was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface. This would explain the death of ...
A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression, he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." With even greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." And ...
What do women's breasts and toy cars have in common? They're meant for kids but dads end up playing with both!
An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. “Ma'am,” said the cop, “I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.” “Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as ...
A woman at a party walked up to a man and told him, ''If you were my husband I would poison your drink." The man replied, ''If you were my wife I would drink it.''
On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded: 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman, 2 French men and 1 French woman, 2 German men and 1 German woman, 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman, 2 English men and 1 English woman, 2 Polish men ...
A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas? I'll be home in ...
Three couples went to a restaurant. The women wanted to compliment the men with something that was on the table. "Could you pass me the sugar, sugar?" said the first gal. "Could you pass me the honey, honey?" said the second. "Could you pass me the bacon, pig?" said the third.
Joe stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard day's work to relax. He noticed a man next to him order a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before Joe's curiosity got the best ...
A wife comes in and yells, ''Honey, pack your clothes! I just won the lottery!'' Her husband yells back, ''Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?'' The wife replies, ''I don't care! Just get the hell out!''
How are men and parking spots the same? All the good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped!
These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations in a large US Corporation. (1) ''Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom.....and has started to dig.'' (2) ''His men would follow him anywhere, ....... but only out of morbid curiosity.' (3) ''I would not allow this employee to breed.'' (4) ''This employee is really ...
BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES...THEY COULD COME IN HANDY A repeat offender got a life sentence for a small-time shoplifting caper in Jupiter, Florida. The man stole $49.73worth of boxer shorts, panties, a sports bra and some cigarette lighters from a Wal-Mart store. His fatal mistake was flashing a knife at a security guard -- ...
A young magician started to work on a cruise ship with his pet parrot. The parrot would always steal his act by saying things like, “he has a card up his sleeve” or “he has a dove in his pocket.” One day the ship sank and the magician and the parrot found themselves alone on a lifeboat. For ...
Galaxy S20 Guide Galaxy S10 Guides Galaxy S9 and S9+ guides Galaxy S8 Guides Samsung Galaxy Note Galaxy S6 Guide Galaxy S7 Guides Moto G Guide Moto X Phone Chromecast Guides Android Guides Headphone Guide Pro Latest funny pictures