For the Sick

Posted on July 7, 2011 by JokesLab

A little 9 year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy" she said, " Can we leave now?" "No." her mother replied. "Well, I think I have to throw up!" "Well, then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush." In about ...

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what happened in Texas?

Posted on July 7, 2011 by JokesLab

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen. He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and ...

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Is your wife for sale?

Posted on July 7, 2011 by JokesLab

As US tourists in Lebanon, a man and his wife were sitting outside a souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from. "America," the husband replied. Looking at her dark hair and olive skin,the Arab responded. "She’s not from ...

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Cross examination

Posted on July 7, 2011 by JokesLab

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this: Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene? A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away. Q. Officer, who provided this description? A. The officer who responded to the ...

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What does a Bald Eagle taste like?

Posted on July 7, 2011 by JokesLab

A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this: Judge: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?" Man: "Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, ...

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Phone line

Posted on July 7, 2011 by JokesLab

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge ...

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Washington, Nixon, & Clinton

Posted on July 7, 2011 by JokesLab

Q: What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and Bill Clinton? A: Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Clinton doesn't know the difference!

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Just A Juggalo

Posted on July 7, 2011 by JokesLab

A man is driving home, when is pulled over by a patrolman for a broken blinker. The cop looks into the guys' car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat. "Sir," the cop says. "Why do you have all those knives?" "They're for my juggling act," the man says. "I don't believe you," says the cop. ...

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Definite

Posted on July 7, 2011 by JokesLab

A teacher decides that she is going to teach her second grade class a new word today. She tells them that the word is "definitely" and its meaning is "absolute, positive, without a doubt." She asks the class if anyone can think of a sentence with the word in it. She calls on little ...

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Announcements

Posted on July 6, 2011 by JokesLab

Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton, and Bill Gates were invited on the eve of the millennium to have dinner with God. After a little bit of small talk, God informed them that he would be destroying the earth the next day. Upon returning to earth, they each made announcements. "I have two piece of bad news," said ...

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Last wish

Posted on July 6, 2011 by JokesLab

A man was scheduled to go before a firing squad for his crimes. The evening before his execution, he was asked what he wanted for his last meal. He refused the meal completely. The next morning the man was brought before the firing squad. When asked for his last request, the ...

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Eye to eye

Posted on July 6, 2011 by JokesLab

What did the right eye say to the left eye? Just between you and me. Something smells.

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Suspenders

Posted on July 6, 2011 by JokesLab

Two men leave a store. One man walks to his Corvette, the other walks out to his moped. The guy with the moped admires the Corvette and the owner lets him take a look at it. Then he gets on his moped, the other guy gets into his 'Vette, ...

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Obnoxious pool fun

Posted on July 6, 2011 by JokesLab

*Stand on top of the high board and say you won't come down until your demands are met. *Tell the lifeguards that they aren't doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people drown today. *Ask people if they have seen your pet shark. *Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys. *Take a flutter ...

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Pa won’t like It

Posted on July 6, 2011 by JokesLab

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later." "That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would ...

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The balcony

Posted on July 6, 2011 by JokesLab

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, ''Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat.'' The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. ''Sir,'' the usher said, ''if you don't get up from there I'm going to ...

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Never believe in Washington’s story

Posted on July 6, 2011 by JokesLab

'One time, back in the ''day,'' a boy named Johnny was walking to school with his girlfriend. He was trying to impress her, so he said, ''I bet you I can push my father's outhouse into the river.'' She didn't agree with him, so he proved her wrong. Impressed, she walked the rest ...

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Squawks

Posted on July 6, 2011 by JokesLab

Squawks are problems left behind by airplane pilots that are checked for each night. These problems are always solved before the next flight. Here are some actual problems (P) and their solutions (S). (P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. (S) Left inside main tire almost replaced. (P) Test flight OK, except Auto ...

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Diet for stress

Posted on July 6, 2011 by JokesLab

Breakfast: 1/2 grapefruit 1 slice whole wheat toast 8 oz. skim milk Lunch: 4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast 1 cup steamed spinach 1 cup herb tea 1 Oreo cookie Mid-Afternoon Snack: The rest of Oreos in the package 2 pints Rocky Road ice cream nuts, cherries and whipped cream 1 jar hot fudge sauce Dinner: 2 loaves garlic bread 4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke 1 large sausage, mushroom ...

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Silly lines

Posted on July 6, 2011 by JokesLab

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they pissed me off. And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the ass that I may have ...

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