Donuts

Posted on July 8, 2011 by JokesLab

A cop pulls over a guy. "Your eyes are awfully red. Have you been drinking?" "Gee, officer," the man says. "Your eyes are awfully glazed -- have you been eating doughnuts?"

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Atheism

Posted on July 8, 2011 by JokesLab

Q: Why is atheism a non-profit religion? A: They have no prophets!

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Creative writing

Posted on July 8, 2011 by JokesLab

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery. The prize-winning essay read, "My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder whose it is?"

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Sinking ship

Posted on July 8, 2011 by JokesLab

George Bush is on a sinking boat. Who gets saved? The nation.

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The Jewish vote

Posted on July 8, 2011 by JokesLab

I asked a Jew who he was going to vote for as president. He said, "Well, the last time Jews listened to a bush, they wandered in the desert for 40 years."

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Condit arrest

Posted on July 8, 2011 by JokesLab

What will the FBI say when they go to Gary Condit's house to arrest him? "Mr. Condit, come out with your pants up!"

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He’s just a common tater!

Posted on July 8, 2011 by JokesLab

One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner. Mother Potato and her three daughters. Midway through the meal,the eldest daughter spoke up. "Mother Potato?" she said. "I have an announcement to make." "And what might that be?" said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter's eyes. "Well," replied the daughter, with a proud but ...

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A fence bid

Posted on July 8, 2011 by JokesLab

Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors. The guard said, ''Hey, we need ...

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How’s married life?

Posted on July 7, 2011 by JokesLab

John, an avant-garde painter, got married. Someone asked the bride a few weeks after the wedding, "How’s married life, Helen?" "It’s great," she answered. "My husband paints, I cook; then we try to guess what he painted and what I cooked."

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They think they’re the only ones here

Posted on July 7, 2011 by JokesLab

A man arrived at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter asked, "Religion?" The man said, "Methodist." St. Peter looked down his list and said," Go to Room 24, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8." Another man arrived at the gates of Heaven. "Religion?" "Catholic." "Go to Room 18, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8." A third man ...

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The head hog

Posted on July 7, 2011 by JokesLab

A man called the church office one day and said, "Can I please speak to the head hog at the trough?" The secretary, highly offended, said, "If you mean the pastor, then you may refer to him as ’Pastor’ or ’Brother,’but you may certainly NOT refer to him as the ’head hog through!’" The man said, "Well, ...

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Goodbye, mother!

Posted on July 7, 2011 by JokesLab

Walking through a supermarket, a young man noticed an old lady following him around. He ignored her for a while, but when he got to the checkout line, she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said. "I’m sorry if I’ve been staring, but you look just like me son who died recently. "I’m sorry for ...

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Polish Remover

Posted on July 7, 2011 by JokesLab

One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him. The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, "How sure are you that she is gonna kill you? Did she threaten to kill you?" "No," replied the nervous immigrant. "Did ...

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Damaging food

Posted on July 7, 2011 by JokesLab

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the ...

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God’s speed of service

Posted on July 7, 2011 by JokesLab

A man asked God how much a million dollars was to him. God replied, ''Oh, about one penny.'' Then the man asked how much an eternity was to him. God replied, ''Oh, about a second.'' Then the man asked. ''Can I have a million dollars and live an eternal life?'' God replied, ''Sure, just wait a sec.''

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NOAH’s ARK – a modern tale

Posted on July 7, 2011 by JokesLab

And the Lord spoke to Noah: ''In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ...

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Tech glossary

Posted on July 7, 2011 by JokesLab

486: The average IQ needed to understand a PC. State-of-the-art: Any computer you can't afford. Obsolete: Any computer you own. Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete. G3: Apple's new Macs that make you say 'Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.' Syntax Error: Walking into ...

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The golden toilet

Posted on July 7, 2011 by JokesLab

A group of guys are on their way to a party, but couldn't quite remember the address to the house. ''I'm sure this is the one," said the driver. ''Well, I have got to go to the bathroom SO BAD.'' Replied one of the others, ''I'll go knock on the door, and check. If it's ...

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Top 10 ways to get rid of telemarketers

Posted on July 7, 2011 by JokesLab

10) Pretend you don't speak English. 9) Say “Hold on,” then scream to a person: “If you try to take the knife out, it'll just hurt worse!” 8) Burst into tears when money is mentioned. 7) Ask if the deal is good for all your ...

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They walked

Posted on July 7, 2011 by JokesLab

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. ''I'll make a deal with you," said his father. "You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and then we'll talk." ...

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