About a month ago, a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic." "Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."' "But I made him agree to pay me 20 Guilders for every week ...
Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked,"When you are in your casket and your friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy says,"Iwould like to hear them say that I was a great doctor ...
There was a guy in the middle of the desert and his car broke down. He started walking and he came to a monastery, where he asked them if he could borrow a mule. The monks lent him one, and they explained that you had to say “Thank the Lord!” to make it go and “Amen!” to ...
A young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to an old woman and says arrogantly, ''Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!'' Another young, beautiful woman gets onto the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, ''Chanel No. 5, $150 dollars an ...
Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer, to let her know he had arrived safely. Unfortunately, he mistyped a letter and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson, the wife of a preacher who had just passed ...
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. After making love, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation... "Hello? Oh, hi. ...
Mother: Come on, Victor, you have to get out of bed or you'll be late for school. Victor: Aw, Mom do I have to? All the teachers hate me, and all the students hate me too. Mother: Yes you do. Victor: Give me a good reason Mother: You're 34 and you're the Principal!
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer. When asked to define "great" he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read,stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in ...
A Hillbilly family's only son had saved up money to go to college and after about 3 years he came back home. They were sitting around the dinner table when the dad said, ''Well son, you have gone to college so you must be pretty smart. Why don't you speak some math fer' us?'' ''Ok, Pa'', the ...
Did you hear about the FedEx-UPS merger? The new company's gonna be called FedUp!
"My wife is an angel." "Lucky you. Mine's still alive."
There was an old man named Bill and one of the things he most enjoyed was playing golf with his old buddy Fred. His wife always commented on how happy he looked after a game. But one day he came home from their weekly game looking unhappy and very tired. His wife asked, "What's the matter ...
A man and his wife were sitting in church, the man was sleeping and his wife was knitting. The priest asked "Who created the Earth and man?" The woman poked the man with her knitting needle and the man screamed, "GOD!" The Priest looked at him and said, "That's right." Then he asked "Who is God's son?" ...
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were stuck on an island for many, many years until one day they found a magic lamp. They rubbed it hard and out popped a genie. He said that he could only give three wishes so since there were three girls, each would get one wish. The redhead went first. ...
While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. ''Good Lord!'' he screamed, ''one of the engines just blew up!'' Other passengers left their seats and came running over. Suddenly, the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side. The passengers were in ...
Why did the turtle Cross the road? To get to the ''Shell'' station!
How do you kill a blue elephant? With a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a pink elephant? Hold its trunk until it goes blue and the shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the ...
Several centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, ...
A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section. The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for. The ...
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