Category Archives: Family Jokes

A child’s pray

A child

One night, a father passed by his son’s room and heard his son praying: “God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa.” The father didn’t quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next … Continue reading

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Kiss your cheek

Kiss your cheek

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate … Continue reading

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The difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist

The difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist

How can you tell the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist? Terrorists can be negotiated with.

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Glad Ass, Happy Butt

combing-hais-mother-and-daughters

It was this little girl’s first day of school and the teacher asked her what her name was and she replied, “Happy Butt.” The teacher said, “Honey I don’t think that’s your name you need to go to the principal’s … Continue reading

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Great-uncle George

Dmitry-Medvedev-got-faked-jacket

The Smith’s were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards. They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They … Continue reading

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Blonde father

kim-jong-un-holding-durex

A blonde guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a … Continue reading

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Doctor’s orders

funny-woman-on-beach

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t do the following, your … Continue reading

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Translating male phrases

wine-baby-feeding

“I’m going fishing.” Really means… “I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.” “It’s a guy thing.” Really means…. “There is no … Continue reading

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The perfect wife

female-santa-claus

What is the perfect wife? A good-looking, sex-craved, chef who owns a liquor store.

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If you stick that damn thing in me again, I’m going to break it in half!

funny-guy-with-girl-on-thighs

A couple went to church every week, but every week without fail the husband would fall asleep during the sermon. The wife, being embarrassed by her husband’s loud snoring, decided to bring a needle to the next service and poke … Continue reading

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Wise old man

shit-slogan-fbi-female-body-inspector

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young … Continue reading

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3 eggs and 10,000 dollars

cheater-girl-with-boyfriends-friend

One day, while Sue was cleaning under the bed, she found a small box. Curious, she opened it and found 3 eggs and 10,000 dollars. A little bit suspicious, she confronted her husband of twenty years about it. “Oh, that,” … Continue reading

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Top 20 signs that it’s a bad day

funny-family-photo-in-swimming-pool

You wake up face down on the pavement. You put your bra on backwards and it fits better. You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold. You see a ”60 minutes” news team waiting in your office. Your … Continue reading

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Brain transplant

A patient needed a brain transplant and the doctor told the family, ”Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves.” ”Well, how much does a brain cost?” asked the relatives. ”For a male brain, $500,000. … Continue reading

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Sweet talk

funny-guy-with-girl-on-thighs

On a plane, a man and his wife are offered tea and both accept. The man tries to be sweet to his wife, saying “Pass the sugar, sugar…. Pass the honey, honey.” Then he says, “Pass the tea, you old … Continue reading

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Age guessing

real-porn-star

One day at the rest home, an old man and woman are talking. Out of nowhere the woman says, “I can guess your age.” The man doesn’t believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try. “Pull down your … Continue reading

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Sex or secs

young-girls-in-disneyland

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, “Daddy, what is Sex?” The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she is old enough to … Continue reading

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10 things your mom would never say to you

combing-hais-mother-and-daughters

10. How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back? 9. Yeah, I used to cut class a lot too. 8. Let me smell that shirt — Yeah, it’s good for another week. 7. Go ahead and … Continue reading

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You can try again

funny-old-gentleman-and-boobs

A young unmarried girl discovers that she is pregnant. Scared, she confides this ’news’ to her mother. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, “Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!”The girl picks up the … Continue reading

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Plus sign

funny-kangaroo

A ten year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school. After … Continue reading

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