All-purpose excuse form letter

no-parking-volcanoAll-Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out of the trouble you’ve gotten in. Whenever there’s a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and use it. You’ll be surprised how effective this form can be!


a)  Mom,
b)  Dad,
c)  Love of my life,
d)  Assistant Principal,
e)  Local Police Chief,

Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your

a)  car
b)  house
c)  pet
d)  espresso maker
e)  left arm

was severely damaged by my

a)  infantile
b)  puerile
c)  inept
d)  comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic
e)  woefully under-appreciated


How could I have known that the

a)  car
b)  jet ski
c)  large helium balloon
d)  rodent-driven sledge
e)  zamboni

I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should nothave pointed it in the direction of your

a)  house,
b)  wife,
c)  Cub Scout troop,
d)  1/16th-sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete
with torch-light,
e)  priceless collection of Rolling Rock beer cans,

you must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent carnage that I caused isbeyond my ability to

a)  imagine.
b)  fathom.
c)  comprehend.
d)  appreciate.
e)  pay for.

And I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you are perfectly withinyour rights to

a)  hate me.
b)  sue me.
c)  spank me.
d)  take my firstborn.
e)  gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the
fish in your koi pond.

But I ask you to remember all the good times we’ve had, joshing around at

a)  school.
b)  work.
c)  church.
d)  the bowling alley.
e)  the municipal jail.

And to remember that I am first and foremost your

a)  friend.
b)  child.
c)  sibling.
d)  lease co-signer.
e)  only possible match should you ever need a
bone marrow transplant.

I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one that

a)  was so stupid.
b)  was so silly.
c)  would have been funny if it worked.
d)  you would have done, if you had thought of it first.
e)  I’m going to use again on someone else.



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