{"id":1719,"date":"2011-07-31T13:24:46","date_gmt":"2011-07-31T13:24:46","guid":{"rendered":""},"modified":"2011-07-31T13:24:46","modified_gmt":"2011-07-31T13:24:46","slug":"top-ten-things-you-never-hear-in-church","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/1719\/top-10-list\/top-ten-things-you-never-hear-in-church\/","title":{"rendered":"Top ten things you never hear in church"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>10. Hey! It&#8217;s my turn to sit in the front pew.<\/p>\n<p>9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.<\/p>\n<p>8. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.<\/p>\n<p>7. I&#8217;ve decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.<\/p>\n<p>6. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.<\/p>\n<p>5. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let&#8217;s pay our pastor so he can live like we do.<\/p>\n<p>4. I love it when we sing hymns I&#8217;ve never heard before!<\/p>\n<p>3. Since we&#8217;re all here, let&#8217;s start the service early.<\/p>\n<p>2. Pastor, we&#8217;d like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.<\/p>\n<p>1. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<a href=\"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/1719\/top-10-list\/top-ten-things-you-never-hear-in-church\/\"><img decoding=\"async\" width=\"150\" src=\"\" class=\"alignleft wp-post-image tfe\" alt=\"\" title=\"\" \/><\/a><p>10. Hey! It&#8217;s my turn to sit in the front pew. 9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time. 8. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf. 7. I&#8217;ve decided to &hellip; <a href=\"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/1719\/top-10-list\/top-ten-things-you-never-hear-in-church\/\">Continue reading <span class=\"meta-nav\">&rarr;<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[201,20],"tags":[185,144],"class_list":["post-1719","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-church-jokes","category-top-10-list","tag-church","tag-top-10-list-2"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.8 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Top ten things you never hear in church -Church and God Jokes, Top 10 List - JokesLab Funniest Jokes<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/1719\/top-10-list\/top-ten-things-you-never-hear-in-church\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Top ten things you never hear in church -Church and God Jokes, Top 10 List - JokesLab Funniest Jokes\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"10. Hey! It&#8217;s my turn to sit in the front pew. 9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time. 8. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf. 7. I&#8217;ve decided to &hellip; Continue reading &rarr;\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/1719\/top-10-list\/top-ten-things-you-never-hear-in-church\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"JokesLab Funniest Jokes\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2011-07-31T13:24:46+00:00\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"JokesLab\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"JokesLab\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"1 minute\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\\\/\\\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/jokeslab.com\\\/jokes\\\/1719\\\/top-10-list\\\/top-ten-things-you-never-hear-in-church\\\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/jokeslab.com\\\/jokes\\\/1719\\\/top-10-list\\\/top-ten-things-you-never-hear-in-church\\\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"JokesLab\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/jokeslab.com\\\/jokes\\\/#\\\/schema\\\/person\\\/7c94a8e90f50ee6381e1cdf0be369f34\"},\"headline\":\"Top ten things you never hear in church\",\"datePublished\":\"2011-07-31T13:24:46+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/jokeslab.com\\\/jokes\\\/1719\\\/top-10-list\\\/top-ten-things-you-never-hear-in-church\\\/\"},\"wordCount\":138,\"commentCount\":0,\"keywords\":[\"church\",\"top 10 list\"],\"articleSection\":[\"Church and God Jokes\",\"Top 10 List\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\\\/\\\/jokeslab.com\\\/jokes\\\/1719\\\/top-10-list\\\/top-ten-things-you-never-hear-in-church\\\/#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/jokeslab.com\\\/jokes\\\/1719\\\/top-10-list\\\/top-ten-things-you-never-hear-in-church\\\/\",\"url\":\"https:\\\/\\\/jokeslab.com\\\/jokes\\\/1719\\\/top-10-list\\\/top-ten-things-you-never-hear-in-church\\\/\",\"name\":\"Top ten things you never hear in church -Church and God Jokes, Top 10 List - JokesLab Funniest Jokes\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/jokeslab.com\\\/jokes\\\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2011-07-31T13:24:46+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/jokeslab.com\\\/jokes\\\/#\\\/schema\\\/person\\\/7c94a8e90f50ee6381e1cdf0be369f34\"},\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/jokeslab.com\\\/jokes\\\/1719\\\/top-10-list\\\/top-ten-things-you-never-hear-in-church\\\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\\\/\\\/jokeslab.com\\\/jokes\\\/1719\\\/top-10-list\\\/top-ten-things-you-never-hear-in-church\\\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/jokeslab.com\\\/jokes\\\/1719\\\/top-10-list\\\/top-ten-things-you-never-hear-in-church\\\/#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\\\/\\\/jokeslab.com\\\/jokes\\\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"Top ten things you never hear in church\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/jokeslab.com\\\/jokes\\\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\\\/\\\/jokeslab.com\\\/jokes\\\/\",\"name\":\"JokesLab Funniest Jokes\",\"description\":\"the best collection of clean jokes\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\\\/\\\/jokeslab.com\\\/jokes\\\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":{\"@type\":\"PropertyValueSpecification\",\"valueRequired\":true,\"valueName\":\"search_term_string\"}}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/jokeslab.com\\\/jokes\\\/#\\\/schema\\\/person\\\/7c94a8e90f50ee6381e1cdf0be369f34\",\"name\":\"JokesLab\",\"image\":{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/secure.gravatar.com\\\/avatar\\\/1ddeb11c3ee03f5ac75289908398f7c36b4cb3b51cf8fc4561a798c09b6c5574?s=96&d=monsterid&r=g\",\"url\":\"https:\\\/\\\/secure.gravatar.com\\\/avatar\\\/1ddeb11c3ee03f5ac75289908398f7c36b4cb3b51cf8fc4561a798c09b6c5574?s=96&d=monsterid&r=g\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\\\/\\\/secure.gravatar.com\\\/avatar\\\/1ddeb11c3ee03f5ac75289908398f7c36b4cb3b51cf8fc4561a798c09b6c5574?s=96&d=monsterid&r=g\",\"caption\":\"JokesLab\"},\"sameAs\":[\"http:\\\/\\\/jokeslab.com\"],\"url\":\"https:\\\/\\\/jokeslab.com\\\/jokes\\\/author\\\/adminblog\\\/\"}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"Top ten things you never hear in church -Church and God Jokes, Top 10 List - JokesLab Funniest Jokes","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/1719\/top-10-list\/top-ten-things-you-never-hear-in-church\/","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"Top ten things you never hear in church -Church and God Jokes, Top 10 List - JokesLab Funniest Jokes","og_description":"10. Hey! It&#8217;s my turn to sit in the front pew. 9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time. 8. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf. 7. I&#8217;ve decided to &hellip; Continue reading &rarr;","og_url":"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/1719\/top-10-list\/top-ten-things-you-never-hear-in-church\/","og_site_name":"JokesLab Funniest Jokes","article_published_time":"2011-07-31T13:24:46+00:00","author":"JokesLab","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"JokesLab","Est. reading time":"1 minute"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"Article","@id":"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/1719\/top-10-list\/top-ten-things-you-never-hear-in-church\/#article","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/1719\/top-10-list\/top-ten-things-you-never-hear-in-church\/"},"author":{"name":"JokesLab","@id":"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/#\/schema\/person\/7c94a8e90f50ee6381e1cdf0be369f34"},"headline":"Top ten things you never hear in church","datePublished":"2011-07-31T13:24:46+00:00","mainEntityOfPage":{"@id":"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/1719\/top-10-list\/top-ten-things-you-never-hear-in-church\/"},"wordCount":138,"commentCount":0,"keywords":["church","top 10 list"],"articleSection":["Church and God Jokes","Top 10 List"],"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"CommentAction","name":"Comment","target":["https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/1719\/top-10-list\/top-ten-things-you-never-hear-in-church\/#respond"]}]},{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/1719\/top-10-list\/top-ten-things-you-never-hear-in-church\/","url":"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/1719\/top-10-list\/top-ten-things-you-never-hear-in-church\/","name":"Top ten things you never hear in church -Church and God Jokes, Top 10 List - JokesLab Funniest Jokes","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/#website"},"datePublished":"2011-07-31T13:24:46+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/#\/schema\/person\/7c94a8e90f50ee6381e1cdf0be369f34"},"breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/1719\/top-10-list\/top-ten-things-you-never-hear-in-church\/#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/1719\/top-10-list\/top-ten-things-you-never-hear-in-church\/"]}]},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/1719\/top-10-list\/top-ten-things-you-never-hear-in-church\/#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"Top ten things you never hear in church"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/#website","url":"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/","name":"JokesLab Funniest Jokes","description":"the best collection of clean jokes","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":{"@type":"PropertyValueSpecification","valueRequired":true,"valueName":"search_term_string"}}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/#\/schema\/person\/7c94a8e90f50ee6381e1cdf0be369f34","name":"JokesLab","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/1ddeb11c3ee03f5ac75289908398f7c36b4cb3b51cf8fc4561a798c09b6c5574?s=96&d=monsterid&r=g","url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/1ddeb11c3ee03f5ac75289908398f7c36b4cb3b51cf8fc4561a798c09b6c5574?s=96&d=monsterid&r=g","contentUrl":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/1ddeb11c3ee03f5ac75289908398f7c36b4cb3b51cf8fc4561a798c09b6c5574?s=96&d=monsterid&r=g","caption":"JokesLab"},"sameAs":["http:\/\/jokeslab.com"],"url":"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/author\/adminblog\/"}]}},"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":1297,"url":"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/1297\/people-jokes\/toilet-brush\/","url_meta":{"origin":1719,"position":0},"title":"Toilet brush","author":"JokesLab","date":"September 19, 2012","format":false,"excerpt":"Josi frequently attends his church Bingo club, where every week a gag door prize is given out. One week, Josi is presented with a toilet brush. ''What the hell is this?'' he asks the pastor. ''Why, it's a toilet brush.'' ''Ooh, I see,'' says Josi. A couple weeks later, the\u2026","rel":"","context":"In &quot;Church and God Jokes&quot;","block_context":{"text":"Church and God Jokes","link":"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/cat\/church-jokes\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"funny-woman-without-head","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/07\/funny-woman-without-head-400x584.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":1132,"url":"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/1132\/people-jokes\/three-hymns\/","url_meta":{"origin":1719,"position":1},"title":"Three hymns","author":"JokesLab","date":"June 22, 2012","format":false,"excerpt":"One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed,\u2026","rel":"","context":"In &quot;Church and God Jokes&quot;","block_context":{"text":"Church and God Jokes","link":"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/cat\/church-jokes\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"funny-photo-bomb-daughter-and-angry-mother","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/06\/funny-photo-bomb-daughter-and-angry-mother1.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":2038,"url":"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/2038\/people-jokes\/the-head-hog\/","url_meta":{"origin":1719,"position":2},"title":"The head hog","author":"JokesLab","date":"July 7, 2011","format":false,"excerpt":"A man called the church office one day and said, \"Can I please speak to the head hog at the trough?\" The secretary, highly offended, said, \"If you mean the pastor, then you may refer to him as \u2019Pastor\u2019 or \u2019Brother,\u2019but you may certainly NOT refer to him as the\u2026","rel":"","context":"In &quot;Church and God Jokes&quot;","block_context":{"text":"Church and God Jokes","link":"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/cat\/church-jokes\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":1078,"url":"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/1078\/people-jokes\/long-sermon\/","url_meta":{"origin":1719,"position":3},"title":"Long sermon","author":"JokesLab","date":"July 3, 2011","format":false,"excerpt":"A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterward the pastor asked the man where he had gone. ''I went to get a haircut,'' was the reply. ''But,''\u2026","rel":"","context":"In &quot;Church and God Jokes&quot;","block_context":{"text":"Church and God Jokes","link":"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/cat\/church-jokes\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":1467,"url":"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/1467\/top-10-list\/top-10-worst-things-to-say-at-a-funeral\/","url_meta":{"origin":1719,"position":4},"title":"Top 10 worst things to say at a funeral","author":"JokesLab","date":"July 31, 2011","format":false,"excerpt":"11) I'm spiking the punch at the reception. That'll liven things up! 10) Hey! Did I just see the dead guy move? 9) Hey, this is the first time Grandpa's been stiff in twenty years! 8) The sonofabitch is lucky he's dead. He still owes me twenty bucks! 7) (to\u2026","rel":"","context":"In &quot;Church and God Jokes&quot;","block_context":{"text":"Church and God Jokes","link":"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/cat\/church-jokes\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":557,"url":"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/557\/office-jokes\/she-made-me-a-better-offer\/","url_meta":{"origin":1719,"position":5},"title":"She made me a better offer","author":"JokesLab","date":"November 14, 2012","format":false,"excerpt":"During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer: \"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate\u2026","rel":"","context":"In &quot;American Jokes&quot;","block_context":{"text":"American Jokes","link":"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/cat\/country-jokes\/american-jokes\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"unhappy-bride","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/07\/unhappy-bride-400x287.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]}],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1719","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1719"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1719\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1719"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1719"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1719"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}