{"id":1379,"date":"2013-12-26T11:39:19","date_gmt":"2013-12-26T11:39:19","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/1379\/people-jokes\/rate-your-chrsitmas-party\/"},"modified":"2013-12-21T08:20:06","modified_gmt":"2013-12-21T08:20:06","slug":"rate-your-chrsitmas-party","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/1379\/people-jokes\/rate-your-chrsitmas-party\/","title":{"rendered":"Rate your Chrsitmas party"},"content":{"rendered":"

Next time, make sure your party reaches the correct \u201cFestivity Level….\u201d<\/p>\n

\"free-blow-job-if-you-buy-coke-here\"Festivity Level One: Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling on hors d’oeuvres.<\/p>\n

Festivity Level Two: Your guests are talking loudly — sometimes to each other and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas tree ornaments, singing \u201cI Gotta Be Me\u201d around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d’oeuvres.<\/p>\n

Festivity Level Three Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing \u201cI Can’t Get No Satisfaction,\u201d gulping other people’s drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and sticking hors d’oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike.<\/p>\n

Festivity Level Four Your guests have hors d’oeuvres smeared all over their naked, liquor-soaked bodies and are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing.<\/p>\n

You want to keep your party somewhere around level three, unless you rent your home and own firearms, in which case, feel free to go to level four. The best way to get to level three is eggnog. Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many people wonder where the word \u201ceggnog\u201d comes from. The first syllable comes from the English word \u201cegg,\u201d meaning, egg. I don’t know where the \u201cnog\u201d comes from. To make eggnog, you’ll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin and, if they are in season, eggs. Combine all ingredients in a large festive bowl. Then induce your guests to drink this mixture.<\/p>\n

If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, unless your party is very successful, in which case they will lob tear gas through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure they don’t arrest anybody. Or if they’re dead set on arresting someone, your job is to make sure it isn’t you. The best way to do this is to show a lot of respect for their uniforms and assure them that you’re not doing anything illegal. Here’s how to handle it:…<\/p>\n

Police: Good evening. Are you the host?<\/p>\n

You: No<\/p>\n

Police: We’ve been getting complaints about this party.<\/p>\n

You: About the drugs?<\/p>\n

Police: No.<\/p>\n

You: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns?<\/p>\n

Police: No, the noise.You: Oh, the noise. Well, that makes sense because there are no guns or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the background) or fireworks. Who’s complaining about the noise? The neighbors?<\/p>\n

Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could ask the host to quiet things down?<\/p>\n

You: No problem. (At this point, a Volkswagen bug with primitive religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living room and roars down the hall, past the police and out the front door onto the lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are already starting to wind down.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"\"\"<\/a>

Next time, make sure your party reaches the correct \u201cFestivity Level….\u201d Festivity Level One: Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling on … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[195,194,24,3,227],"tags":[6,579,1074,571,7,665,1075],"class_list":["post-1379","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-christmas-jokes","category-holiday-jokes","category-miscellaneous-jokes","category-people-jokes","category-police-jokes","tag-christmas","tag-house","tag-noise","tag-party","tag-police","tag-rating","tag-violence"],"yoast_head":"\nRate your Chrsitmas party -Christmas Jokes, Holiday Jokes, Miscellaneous Jokes, People Jokes, Police Jokes - 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Did Santa bring that to you?\" The kid said, \"Yeah.\" The cop said, \"Well, next\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Animal Jokes"","block_context":{"text":"Animal Jokes","link":"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/cat\/animal-jokes\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"funny-dog-and-puppet","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/06\/funny-dog-and-puppet-275x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":716,"url":"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/716\/redneck-jokes\/redneck-christmas-shopping\/","url_meta":{"origin":1379,"position":4},"title":"Redneck Christmas shopping","author":"JokesLab","date":"December 28, 2011","format":false,"excerpt":"You know you're a redneck when... you go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister and girlfriend and only come back with one gift.","rel":"","context":"In "Christmas Jokes"","block_context":{"text":"Christmas Jokes","link":"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/cat\/holiday-jokes\/christmas-jokes\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"funny-drinking-cheers-in-commencement","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/06\/funny-drinking-cheers-in-commencement.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":1874,"url":"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/1874\/kids-jokes\/father-christmas-gift\/","url_meta":{"origin":1379,"position":5},"title":"Father Christmas gift","author":"JokesLab","date":"December 24, 2013","format":false,"excerpt":"Alex was five; all his Christmas presents were always signed, \u2019from Father Christmas.\u2019 A little while after Alex had opened all his presents on Christmas morning, we became aware that he was looking quite down in the mouth for no obvious reason. \u2019What\u2019s the matter, Alex?\u2019 I asked. \u2019Ummmm, \u2019replied\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Christmas Jokes"","block_context":{"text":"Christmas Jokes","link":"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/cat\/holiday-jokes\/christmas-jokes\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"funny Santa: clean your fuck chimney","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/08\/f2_funny_Santa.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]}],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1379","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1379"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1379\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1379"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1379"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jokeslab.com\/jokes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1379"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}