JokesLab Magazine

What Women's Personal ads Really Mean

Editor — 2011-11-01T15:38:00Z

Adventurous: has slept with all your mates

Athletic: flat chested

Average looking: has a face like an arse

Beautiful: pathological liar

Contagious smile: does a lot of prescription drugs

Educated: had the arse shagged off her by everybody at university

Emotionally secure: on medication

Feminist: obese

40-ish: 49

Free spirit: heroin addict

Friendship first: former slut

Fun: irritating

Gentle: boring

Good listener: autistic

Large lady: morbidly obese

Looking for soul mate: stalker

New Age: excessive body hair

Old-fashioned: no blow jobs or anal

Open-minded: desperate

Outgoing: loud and embarrassing

Passionate: sloppy drunk

Poetic: depressive

Professional: bitch

Romantic: frigid

Sociable: fanny like a yawning donkey

Voluptuous: super-morbidly obese

Widow: murderer

Why man is attractive?

Editor — 2011-11-01T14:38:00Z

Adam is talking to God and asks him: “God, why did you make women so beautiful?”

God replies: “So that you would find them attractive.”

Then Adam asks: “Okay. God, but why did you have to make them so stupid?”

God replies: “So that they would find you attractive.”

Quickie or quiche

Editor — 2011-11-01T14:38:00Z

A man walks into a wine bar, sits down at a table and studies the menu.

A couple of minutes later he looks up to see a beautiful waitress standing in front of him. She is so gorgeous that he gasps with pure lust.

“What would you like?” she asks.

“A glass of claret and a quickie please,” he replies, drooling at the mouth.

The waitress is so disgusted she storms off but returns a few minutes later when she has calmed down.

Again she asks “What would you like?”

He smiles and says again, “A glass of claret and a quickie please.”

“That's it” she yells, gives him a sharp slap across the face and stomps off.

The man sits there dumbstruck when suddenly from the next table a fellow customer leans over and whispers “I think it's pronounced ‘quiche'.”

My dad says the same thing

Editor — 2011-11-01T14:38:00Z

Two kids were arguing in the playground. “My dad's a better darts player than your dad,” said the first boy.

“No he ain't,” said the second boy. “My dad got the highest score last week.”

“OK, OK, but my mum's better than your mum.”

“Yeah, alright, my dad says the same thing.”

A good therapy

Editor — 2011-11-01T14:38:00Z

An 18-year-old boy says to his father, “Dad, I keep getting these terrible urges, what can I do about it?”

“I think you'd better go and see my friend Bob, he's a sex therapist, I'm sure he'll be able to help. Pop round to his house this evening.”

The boy does as his father suggests, but after 5 visits there's no improvement.

The sixth time he goes round the door is opened by Bob's wife who tells him the therapist has been called away on urgent business.

“Can I help at all?” she says.

The boy tells her his problem and within moments she takes him by the hand, leads him upstairs and makes frenzied love to him.

The next day he meets up with his father who asks him how the treatment is going.

“It's great now, dad,” smiles the boy. “The therapist's wife has got more brains between her legs than he has in his head.”

You Want A Raise?

Editor — 2011-11-01T14:38:00Z

Our neighbor's Brazilian maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase.' The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'

Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Madam...the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?'

The lost dog

Editor — 2011-11-01T14:37:00Z

Funny cat photobomb

Editor — 2011-11-01T13:37:00Z

Funny Hot Dog

Editor — 2011-11-01T13:37:00Z

Funny dog mating a monkey

Editor — 2011-11-01T13:36:00Z

Perverted dog

Editor — 2011-11-01T13:36:00Z

Dog or horse?

Editor — 2011-11-01T13:36:00Z

Last day treat for mailman

Editor — 2011-10-15T16:12:00Z

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

How to demand a raise?

Editor — 2011-10-15T15:12:00Z

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss: Yes.

Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.

Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.

Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.

Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?

Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!

Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?

Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!

Happy Bithday

Editor — 2011-10-15T14:12:00Z

Two weeks ago was my 44th birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning.

I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me.

She didn't even say "Good Morning", let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember. "

The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday."

I felt a little better. Someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know it is such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go."

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it is such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I said, "No, I guess not."

She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. Sure,"

I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. They were all singing Happy Birthday.......

And there I sat on the couch.......naked.

Waiting for the kid

Editor — 2011-10-15T14:12:00Z

An old couple comes up before the judge in a divorce proceeding. Seeing how absolutely ancient they are, the judge just has to ask their ages.

"Well, your honor," the old man says, "I'm 99 and my wife here is 97."

"Wow," the judge says. "How long have you been married?"

"I married Pearl three days after she turned sixteen, so that would be a little over 81 years."

"Eighty-one years?!" the judge said, incredulous.

"Eighty-one years of pure torture," the old man corrects.

The judge is stunned. "If it was 81 years of pure torture, why didn't you file for divorce sooner?"

"Well, your honor," the gentleman says, "I guess we have to admit it: we were waiting for the kid to die."