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• Never Lie to Your Mother

  20 August 2007, by Editor

  John invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn’t help but noticing how beautiful John’s room-mate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his room-mate, and this had only made her more curious.

  Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and his room-mate than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Julie and I are just room-mates."

  About a week later, Julie came to John saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?"

  John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure."

  So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I’m not saying that you ’did’ take the gravy ladle from my house, I’m not saying that you ’did not’ take the gravy ladle but the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

  Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:

  "Dear Son, I’m not saying that you ’do’ sleep with Julie, and I’m not saying that you ’do not’ sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

• Male vs. Female at the ATM

  20 August 2007, by Editor

  HE:

  1. Pull up to ATM

  2. Insert card

  3. Enter PIN number

  4. Take cash, card and receipt

  SHE:

  1. Pull up to ATM

  2. Check makeup in rearview mirror

  3. Shut off engine

  4. Put keys in purse

  5. Get out of car because you’re too far from machine

  6. Hunt for card in purse

  7. Insert card

  8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it

  9. Enter PIN number

  10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes

  11. Hit "cancel"

  12. Re-enter correct PIN number

  13. Check balance

  14. Look for envelope

  15. Look in purse for pen

  16. Make out deposit slip

  17. Endorse checks

  18. Make deposit

  19. Study instructions

  20. Make cash withdrawal

  21. Get in car

  22. Check makeup

  23. Look for keys

  24. Start car

  25. Check makeup

  26. Start pulling away

  27. STOP

  28. Back up to machine

  29. Get out of car

  30. Take card and receipt

  31. Get back in car

  32. Put card in wallet

  33. Put receipt in checkbook

  34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook

  35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook 36. Check makeup

  37. Put car in gear, reverse

  38. Put car in drive

  39. Drive away from machine

  40. Travel 3 miles

  41. Release parking brake

• Who to marry

  20 August 2007, by Editor

  Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Dave the Bellboy.

  The first man married a nurse. Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot".

  The second man married a telephone operator. Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself,"Wow, he’s a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button...Va-voom.".

  The third man married a school teacher.

  Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor guy, she’s pretty but teachers are just too frigid".

  The next morning, Dave reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher’s husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day.

  At6:00 a.m. the phone rang. It was the nurse’s husband wanting breakfast. The nurse’s husband opened the door and Dave stepped back in shock. The man’s pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed. Dave asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse. The man sourly replies, "Son, don’t ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, " You’re not sanitary, you’re not sanitary."

  At 6:30 a.m., the phone rang again.

  The telephone operator’s husband called for breakfast. Dave brought it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opened the door and Dave stepped back in shock. The man’s hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed. Dave asked," What happened? Telephone operators are supposed to be as sexy as their voices." The man sourly replies "Son, don’t ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, "You’re three minutes are up, your three minutes are up." Dave went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband would be calling any minute.

  Finally at 4:30 p.m., the teacher’s husband called for breakfast.

  Dave can’t believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room. The man opened the door and Dave took a step back in shock. The man waswearing only his boxers, his hair was a mess,and he had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs. Joe fearing the worst, asked " What happened to you? Did you have a fight?" The man smiled and happily replied, "No. Son, when you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying "We are going to do this over and over, until we get right."