Courtroom Jokes        RSS 2.0

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• Mrs. Jones, do you know me?

  15 August 2009, by Editor

  A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial — a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

  She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a rising big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

  The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

  She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

  At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you’ll be jailed for contempt!"

• Rare birds

  15 August 2009, by Editor

  A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this:

  Judge: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"

  Man: "Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, I’ll explain what happened."

  Judge: "Proceed."

  Man: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn’t had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."

  Judge: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony."

  15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.

  Judge: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn’t intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don’t mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?"

  Man: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe a combination between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."

• Insurance Claim

  15 August 2009, by Editor

  A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against .... get this .... fire.

  Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.

  In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires."

  The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion.

  The man sued ... and won!!

  In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss.

  Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge’s ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires."

  After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested... on 24 counts of arson!

  With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.

• The First Witness

  15 August 2009, by Editor

  A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial – a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”

  She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a rising big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

  The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?”

  She again replied, “Why, yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. The man can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.”

  At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, “If either of you asks her if she knows me, you’ll be in jail for contempt within five minutes!”

• Cross Examination

  15 August 2009, by Editor

  A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:

  Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

  A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

  Q. Officer, who provided this description?

  A. The officer who responded to the scene.

  Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

  A. Yes sir, with my life.

  Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

  A. Yes sir, we do.

  Q. And do you have a locker in that room?

  A. Yes sir, I do.

  Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?

  A. Yes sir.

  Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?

  A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.