Cop Jokes        RSS 2.0

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• Stop Sign

  15 June 2009, by Editor

  A policeman pulled over a car, walked up to the driver’s window, and asked the man if he knew why he was pulled over.

  "No," the man replied.

  "You failed to stop at the stop sign," the cop explained.

  "But I did slow down!" the guy argued. The cop shook his head. "You are required to stop. That’s why they’re called stop signs." The man started to get belligerent. "Stop, slow down — what’s the difference?"

  The cop pulled out his baton. "I can show you. I’m going to start hitting you with my baton. You tell me if you want me to stop or slow down."

• Circle Flies

  15 June 2009, by Editor

  After pulling a farmer over for speeding, a state trooper started to lecture him about his speed, pompously implying that the farmer didn’t know any better and trying to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible. He finally started writing out the ticket, but had to keep swatting at some flies buzzing around his head.

  The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there are ya?"

  The trooper paused to take another swat and said, "Well, yes, if that’s what they are. I’ve never heard of circle flies."

  The farmer was pleased to enlighten the cop. "Circle flies are common on farms. They’re called circle flies because you almost always find them circling the back end of a horse."

  The trooper continues writing for a moment, then says," Hey, are you trying to call me a horse’s behind?"

  "Oh no, officer." The farmer replies. "I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers for that."

  "That’s a good thing," the officer says rudely, then goes back to writing the ticket.

  After a long pause, the farmer added, "Hard to fool them flies, though."

• Did she threaten to kill you?

  15 June 2009, by Editor

  One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him.

  The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, "How sure are you that she is gonna kill you? Did she threaten to kill you?"

  "No," replied the nervous immigrant.

  "Did you hear her tell someone else that she’s gonna kill you?" "No."

  "Did someone tell you that your wife is gonna kill you?" "No."

  "Then why did you think she’s gonna kill you?" asked the exasperated police officer.

  "Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!" He handed the police officer the suspect bottle.

  The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud.

  The immigrant became indignant and said, "What so funny? Can’t you see the label on bottle said ’Polish Remover’?"

• Flakey Murder

  15 June 2009, by Editor

  Two police officers respond to a crime scene behind a grocery store. The homicide detective is already there.

  "What happened?" asks the first officer.

  "Male, about twenty-five, covered in Raisin Bran and dead as a doornail."

  "Good grief," says the second officer. "Didn’t we have one covered in Frosted Flakes yesterday? And Captain Crunch last week?"

  "You’re right. I’m afraid," said the detective as he took a drag from his cigar, "this is the work of a cereal killer."

• On their way home from the bar ...

  15 June 2009, by Editor

  John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I’m very sorry officer, I didn’t realize it was out, I’ll get it fixed right away."

  Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."

  So the officer asked for John’s license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."

  And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn’t realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.

  Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."

  Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!" pr0perty0fgl0wp0rt

  The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"

  Jessica replied, "only when he’s drunk."

• Repeat Offender

  15 June 2009, by Editor

  A judge scowled down at a repeat offender before him. "Haven’t I seen you in here many times already? And didn’t I tell you that I never wanted to see you in here again?"

  "Yes, Your Honor," the defendant replied. "That’s exactly what I told the police officer, but he insisted I come in anyway!"

• Police House Calls

  15 June 2009, by Editor

  My partner and I were in our police car when we were dispatched to break up a domestic dispute. We spoke with the couple and the problem was quickly resolved.

  On leaving, I was admiring the craftsmanship of their turn-of-the-century home and reached for what I thought was the front door.

  Realizing my mistake, I was turning away in embarrassment when I heard my partner say.... "If you have any more problems, we’ll be in your closet."