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• I’m the Boss

  15 June 2009, by Editor

  The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect. The next day, he brought a small sign that read:

  "I’m the Boss!"

  He then taped it to his office door.

  Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:

  "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

• Murphy applied for an engineering position

  15 June 2009, by Editor

  Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said.

  Manager: "Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the American the job"

  Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!"

  Manager: "We have made our decisions not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."

  Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

  Manager: "Simple, the American put down on question #5, "I don’t know.", You put down "Neither do I."

• Son-in-law

  15 June 2009, by Editor

  A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.

  "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man."To show you how much we care for you, I’m making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

  The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise."

  "I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

  "I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

  "Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don’t like factories and won’t work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

  "Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

• New Dictionary

  15 June 2009, by Editor

  While I was employed by a private corporation and assigned to the space-shuttle program, my job included ordering supples. One of the engineers asked me to get a new dictionary for him. The request form said, "State reason this item is needed," so I asked him why he wanted one.

  I expected his answer would be "My old copy is lost" or "The cover is falling off." Instead he replied, "My edition defines spaceship as an ’imaginary aircraft.’" He got his new dictionary.

• Forgot Teeth

  15 June 2009, by Editor

  A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.

  Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth." The man said, "No problem." With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.

  The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said. The man then said, "I have another pair...try these." The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."

  The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair of false teeth...try them."

  The speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that he ate his meal and gave his address.

  After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I’ve been looking for a good dentist."

  The man replied, "I’m not a dentist. I’m the local undertaker."

• Vice President

  15 June 2009, by Editor

  Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.

  Finally she couldn’t take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!".

  "Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.

  A clerk answers and Tom says "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?"

  The clerk replies "Canned or frozen?"

• Speeding

  15 June 2009, by Editor

  A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver’s license?

  Driver: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

  Officer: May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle?

  Driver: It’s not my car. I stole it.

  Officer: The car is stolen?

  Driver: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

  Officer: There’s a gun in the glove box?

  Driver: Yes sir. That’s where I put it after shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

  Officer: There’s a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

  Driver: Yes, sir.

  Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

  Captain: Sir, may I see your license?

  Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

  Captain: Whose car is this?

  Driver: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the owner’s card. The driver owned the car.

  Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in it?

  Driver: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

  Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there’s a body in it.

  Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

  Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

  Driver: Really? Isn’t that something? And I’ll bet the lying sucker told you I was speeding, too ...

• Those who don’t know

  15 June 2009, by Editor

  The world is divided into two groups. There are those who know, and those who don’t know. Those who know are no problem.

  Those who don’t know are also in two groups.

  One is those who don’t know and know they don’t know. Well, they can learn!

  But then, there are those who don’t know, and don’t know they don’t know. And they become unit managers!