Bible Jokes        RSS 2.0

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• A Rare Book

  1 February, by Editor

  A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.

  "Not Gutenberg?" Gasped the collector.

  "Yes, that was it!"

  "You did it! You’ve thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at an auction for half a million dollars!"

  "Oh, I don’t think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther."

• What would Jesus drive

  1 February, by Editor

  One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because “the Bible says God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury.”

  But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm.”

  Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses’ followers are warned not to go up a mountain “until the Ram’s horn sounds a long blast.”

  Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn’t like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John’ gospel where Christ tells the crowd, “For I did not speak of my own Accord.”

  Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring, “the roar of Moses’ Triumph is heard in the hills.”

  Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: “Joshua’s Triumph was heard throughout the land.” And, following the Master’s lead, the Apostles car-pooled in a Honda: “The Apostles were in one Accord.”

• Kids Explain the Bible

  1 February, by Editor

  "In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off."

  "Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree."

  "Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark."

  "Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears."

• God the Parent

  1 February, by Editor

  Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to God’s kids.

  After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don’t."

  "Don’t what?" Adam asked.

  "Don’t eat the Forbidden Fruit." God replied.

  "Forbidden fruit? We got Forbidden Fruit?

  Hey, Eve..we got Forbidden Fruit!"

  "No way!"

  "Where?"

  "Don’t eat that fruit!" said God.

  "Why?"

  "Because I am your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn’t stopped after making the elephants.

  A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.

  "Didn’t I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the ’First Parent’ asked.

  "Uh huh," Adam replied.

  "Then why did you?"

  "I dunno," Eve answered.

  "She started it!" Adam said.

  "Did not!"

  "DID so!"

  "DID NOT!"

  Having had it with the two of them, God’s punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own...thus the pattern was set, and it has never changed.