Animals Jokes        RSS 2.0

This section's articles

• The Elderly Snake

  16 November 2008, by Editor

  An old snake goes to see his doctor.

  He says, "Doctor, I need something for my eyes. I can’t see well these days". The doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

  The snake comes back in 2 weeks, and tells the doctor he’s very depressed.

  The doctor says, "What’s the problem? Didn’t the glasses help you?"

  "The glasses are fine doc. I just discovered I’ve been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"

• Dangerous Parrot

  16 November 2008, by Editor

  A woman’s dishwasher had stopped working, so she called a repairman.

  He couldn’t accommodate her with an evening appointment, and since she had to go to work the next day, she told him "I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you the check. By the way, dont worry about my Rottweiler. He wont bother you. But, whatever you do, do not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!"

  When the repairman arrived at her apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen. Like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with its incessant squawking and talking.

  Finally the repairman couldn’t stand the parrot’s talking any longer and he told the bird to be quiet.

  The parrot replied, "Get him, Brutus!"

• The Sick Dog

  16 November 2008, by Editor

  A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I’m sorry, but your dog has passed away."

  "What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven’t done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"

  With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly with his nose. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said, "Bark" (meaning "dead as a doornail").

  The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also carefully sniffed out the poor dog on the table. As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow" (meaning "he’s history"). He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.

  The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600. The dog’s owner went berserk. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"

  The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50, but you wanted the Lab work and the cat scan."

• The Art Collector

  16 November 2008, by Editor

  A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store.

  He does a double take, as he notices that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable. He walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

  The store owner replies, "I’m sorry, but the cat isn’t for sale."

  The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I’ll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."

  And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.

  The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat’s used to it and it’ll save me having to get a dish."

  And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that’s my lucky saucer. So far this week I’ve sold sixty-eight cats."

• Fast Chicken

  16 November 2008, by Editor

  A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running along side the road, beside his car.

  He was amazed to see that the chicken was keeping up with him. Glancing down at his speedometer, he noticed that he was doing 50 MPH.

  He accelerated to 60 miles per hour and the chicken stayed right next to him. He sped up to 75 MPH and the chicken kept up.

  The man then noticed that the chicken had three legs. Growing even more curious, he followed the chicken down a road and into a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens around him had three legs.

  He asked the farmer, "What’s up with these three legged chickens?"

  The farmer said, "Well, whenever we have chicken for dinner, everyone in the family fights over the legs, but there are only two. I have bred a three legged bird. It’s going to make me a millionaire."

  "How do they taste," the man asked.

  The farmer said, "Don’t know yet, I haven’t been able to catch one."