JokesLab Funniest Jokes

Guess who?

JokesLab — Thu, 17 May 2012 09:36:54 +0000

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing ”Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

”I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’”

”But why?” asks the man.

”I’m a divorce lawyer.”

Dead bird

JokesLab — Wed, 16 May 2012 18:02:24 +0000

A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street when the brunette says, “Look, a dead bird!” So the blonde looks up! Similar jokes in this blog: Return the bird dog Carpenter Parrot talk Visit the sun Tale of … Continue reading → Similar jokes in this blog:

Blonde’s odometer

JokesLab — Wed, 16 May 2012 02:32:21 +0000

A blonde wanted to sell her car, but couldn’t find any buyers.

She called her friend for advice, and her friend asked her how many miles she had on her car.

“235,000 miles.” Her friend told her that was the problem. But the blonde’s friend told her that her brother is a mechanic and could put back the miles to whatever she wanted.

So the blonde went to the mechanic and told him to put the miles at 40,000.

Two days later the blond’s friend asked her if she sold the car since her brother dropped the miles.

The blonde told her, “Why would I sell the car? There are only 40,000 miles on it!”

Similar jokes in this blog:

Blonde submarine

JokesLab — Tue, 15 May 2012 10:38:22 +0000

Q: How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? A: Knock on the door. Similar jokes in this blog: Knock-knock jokes Top 10 blonde FAQs Your guts Suicidal Blonde Blonde painting- two coats Similar jokes in this blog:

Pig in the bar

JokesLab — Mon, 14 May 2012 18:13:08 +0000

A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, ”Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?” Then the lady answered, ”Excuse me, I think this is a … Continue reading → Similar jokes in this blog:

Do Not Disturb

JokesLab — Mon, 14 May 2012 02:31:57 +0000

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said, “I can’t get out of the room!”

“You can’t get out of your room?”; the captain asked. “Why not?”

She replied, “There are only three doors in here,” she sobbed, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one hasa sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”

Similar jokes in this blog:

Replacing Vanna

JokesLab — Sun, 13 May 2012 04:20:02 +0000

Q: Why is it so hard to replace Vanna White? A: They can’t find another blonde who knows the whole alphabet. Similar jokes in this blog: Blonde kidnapper Top 10 blonde FAQs Blonde on the run 911 Blonde and genie Similar jokes in this blog:

Blondes in the mirror

JokesLab — Sat, 12 May 2012 03:22:23 +0000

Two blondes are walking down the street when one of them looks down and finds a mirror. She picks it up, looks at it. ”WOW! I know this person. I’ve seen this person before.” The other blonde takes the mirror … Continue reading → Similar jokes in this blog:

Blonde driving

JokesLab — Fri, 11 May 2012 17:02:24 +0000

A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving really badly, so she got pulled over by a cop.

The cop walked up to her window and asked, ”Lady, why are you driving so recklessly?”

The blonde said, ”I’m sorry sir, but wherever I go, there’s always a tree in front of me and I can’t seem to get away from it!”

The cop looked at her and said, ”Lady, it’s your air freshener!”

Similar jokes in this blog:

It’s an hour fast!

JokesLab — Fri, 11 May 2012 01:44:48 +0000

A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials. The woman next to him says, “Wow, that’s a really fancy watch.”

“Thanks, says the guy, “It’s the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically ask this watch anything I want to know, and it’ll answer me, telepathically.”

“Rubbish, you’re having me on,” says the girl.

“No, it’s true,” says that guy. “Look, tell you what, I’ll prove it. I’ll ask it if you’ve got any panties on.” The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to his watch, then opens them and says, “Nope, it says you haven’t got any panties on.”

“Well, it’s wrong,” says the girl, “I do have panties on.”

”Damn,” says the guy, slapping his watch, “it’s an hour fast!”

Similar jokes in this blog:

Alligator shoes

JokesLab — Thu, 10 May 2012 09:31:48 +0000

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the “no haggle” attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, “Maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!”

The shopkeeper said,”By all means, be my guest. Maybe you’ll luck out and catch yourself a big one!”Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank.

Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement.

Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, “Damn it, this one isn’t wearing any shoes either!”

Similar jokes in this blog:

Blonde vs. Crime Rate

JokesLab — Wed, 09 May 2012 17:26:23 +0000

Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home? A: She moved. Similar jokes in this blog: Blonde ice fishing Blonde in a car Blonde and genie True stupid crime stories … Continue reading → Similar jokes in this blog:

After all, I was married to her for 40 years

JokesLab — Wed, 09 May 2012 01:41:03 +0000

Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge.

He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.

The other guy says, “That was touching. I didn’t know you had it in you.”

The first guy responds, “Well, I guess it was the thing to do – after all, I was married to her for 40 years.”

Similar jokes in this blog:

Animals and fridge!

JokesLab — Tue, 08 May 2012 09:46:11 +0000

1) How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
You open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.

2) How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
You open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.

3) The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend, except one. Which animal does not attend?
The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator.

4) There is a river you must cross. But it is filled with crocodiles. How do you manage it?
You swim across — all the crocodiles are attending the animal conference.

Similar jokes in this blog:

Got any grapes?

JokesLab — Mon, 07 May 2012 17:21:24 +0000

A ducks walks into a bar and asks, “Got any grapes?”

The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn’t serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, “Got any grapes?”

Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ”Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!”

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ”Got any nails?”

Confused, the bartenders says no.

”Good!” says the duck. ”Got any grapes?”

Similar jokes in this blog:

Cat scan

JokesLab — Mon, 07 May 2012 02:48:20 +0000

There was a lady, who had a dog that she loved, and he followed her everywhere.

One morning she woke up, went to the bathroom, came out, and realized that her dog wasn’t at her feet. She found him in his bed ”sleeping”. She called his name, but he didn’t get up.

So she took him to the vet and told the vet that her dog wouldn’t wake up. So he looked at her dog and said, ”Your dog is dead”. She asked the doctor to perform another test to be sure.

The doctor went into another room, and came back with a cage. In it there was a cat. He let the cat out, and she walked around the dog, sniffed, and went back in her cage. The doc put the cat back in the other room. He came out and said again, ”Your dog is dead”.

She was like ”Ok, how much do I owe you?”

The doctor said ”$300”

She said, ”What!?!? How could it cost that much??”

He said ”$15 for me to say he was dead. Then $285 for the cat scan”

Similar jokes in this blog:

M.A.R.I.N.E.

JokesLab — Sun, 06 May 2012 03:15:45 +0000

What does marine stand for? Muscles are required, intellegence not expected. Similar jokes in this blog: No nuts is an advantage Marine and Navy Papa bear How to clean a cat? from a dog Similar jokes in this blog:

Bill Gates in hell

JokesLab — Sat, 05 May 2012 11:00:41 +0000

Upon dying, Bill Gates went to purgatory.

St. Peter said to his, “Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go”.

So,Bill takes a look at hell and see’s these beautiful women running around, in 80 degree temperature, on beautiful beaches.

Then he took a look at heaven and it was nice, you know harps and singing and worship and stuff like that.

So he said to St. Peter that he would like to go to hell.

About a week later, St. Peter went down to hell to check on Bill. There he saw him, being whipped by demons.

He said to St. Peter, “What happened to all the beautiful women, and the beaches and the 80 degree temperature?”

Peter replied, “That was just the screen saver.”

Similar jokes in this blog:

Heal, not raise the dead

JokesLab — Fri, 04 May 2012 14:02:33 +0000

An elderly couple are watching the 700 Club. The evangelist is getting really worked up, and it’s soon time for the healing portion of the show.

“If you believe in the healing power of the Lord, place on hand on the television, and one hand on the part of your body that ails you!” The old man places one hand on the television and one hand on his groin.

“Oh, don’t be stupid!” says the old woman. “He said heal, not raise the dead!“

Similar jokes in this blog:

Smiling blonde

JokesLab — Thu, 03 May 2012 12:31:49 +0000

A blonde has just got a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, which almost drives the truck over a cliff. The driver then motions for her to pull over, so she does.

The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it and not to get out. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He then turns around and sees she is smiling. So he goes to his truck and takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He turns around and now she is laughing.

He is really mad now so he takes his knife back out and slices her tires. He turns around and she is laughing her head off, about to fall down, and he says ”What are you laughing about?”

And she says “Everytime you weren’t looking I stepped out of the circle.”

Similar jokes in this blog: